Just when I think that the emotional train wreck can’t get any worse, my mom calls. I love my mom dearly. She’s a wonderful woman who has done an incredible amount for me. More than I have ever deserved. Usually, I do fine with her lectures. I try to get the most I can from them. This one, though… she called wanting to know how I was holding up. “Not too well,” I tell her. Before I can even start to explain how much of a mess I am emotionally, she starts in on what I need to be doing for L. Really? I knew she had thought that I wasn’t worthy of L from the start, but the past year or so, I thought she had maybe changed her mind. I know she did, but apparently not completely.
Here’s the history. L and I met when I was 19… almost 11 years ago, now. I know I was horrible. I was immature. I was dealing with ending the bad relationship with A. At the first sign of trouble, all of A’s friends jumped in and started telling him that they had always known I was worthless. He was somewhat controlling. I had gone from the drinking and smoking pot and having girlfriends to trying to be the goody girl he wanted. He hated alcohol and drugs, and I was not allowed to do them. I had to end my relationship with my girlfriend if I wanted him to stay with me. The alcohol was easy enough. I’m allergic. I found out the hard way, but whatever. The girlfriend, well, ok. While it was fun, and I cared for her, she was kind of clingy and I had no intention of making a life with her. She didn’t, either. It was kind of sad, but we were still friends. The pot, on the other hand… I know they say it isn’t addictive, but I am absolutely addicted to it. I haven’t smoked a bowl in 6 years, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss it. Ok, back to the story… I tried really hard to give it up. I went from smoking it at least once a day to almost never. I smoked it once, at a party we were at. His friends. We didn’t hang out with my friends. He was too good for them. He was in another room sulking because that was what he did at parties. And I was outside with all his friends, enjoying the party. They were passing around a joint, so I took a couple hits. Whatever, no big deal. Until months later when one of his friends told him they were shocked that he would be with someone who would smoke pot. He flipped. He broke up with me. I was with a guy that was helping me with my programming class when A broke up with me. Through IRC, no less. I was… emotional, but trying to not care. I was angry. The guy was hot. So, we took advantage of each other. The next day, A said that he would take me back, and when I told him I didn’t want him to, he flipped out again and said that his breaking up with me was “supposed to be a one-day mind-fuck!” Thank you very much. Once word got out that it had back-fired, his friends came out in droves to tell him how messed up I was. They actually said that, at that same party, I had admitted to everyone that I’m homicidal. wtf?! Aside from the occasional spider or demon bird moth, I wouldn’t even consider killing anything. Plus, the people who said they heard me say it, weren’t even at the party at the same time, and A was with me when they said I said it! Stupid people. Get a life. So, anyway, A and I worked things out just before he left for another state with his job. We had been together for 2 years. He left. I went into an institution because I had been cutting myself. This was before they knew that it releases endorphins, so everyone just thought I was stupid and couldn’t figure out how to kill myself. It was right before I went in that I met L at school. And right after I got out that we started hanging out.
So, yes, I was a mess. I have spent the majority of my life dealing with all the psychological issues. But, I do the best I can. I’m always open to loving criticism. I even keep my heart open for repeated unloving criticism because I figure if it keeps coming up, there’s got to be some truth to it. When L and I started dating, my mom pulled him aside and told him that she felt sorry for him. Because of me. Because nothing good could come from being with me. Because I wasn’t worth his time. She has reiterated that sentiment periodically over the past 10 years. Even when I finally told her how horrible L could be to us, she seemed to think that it was because I wasn’t good enough. Like I somehow deserved the abuse because I was a failure as a human being. Like, that was really all I deserved anyway, so I should be thanking him for it.
It wasn’t until my business started doing well that my mom told me she was proud of me. That I had done well. I never expected it, so it was really cool. She has told me the past couple years that she would support whatever decision I made when it came to my relationship with L. And in the past few months, she’s finally seemed to understand just how much I have put into this relationship and how little he’s given in return. She’s been saying that I’ve put everything I’ve got into the relationship for the past 10 years and now it’s his turn to give a little. She said that again this time, but she was saying that I need to hold his hand through everything and keep pushing him in the right direction. Like I’ve just been sitting around waiting for him to care!? That’s one of our main problems. Even when I’m holding his hand and walking him through exactly what needs to happen or what I need from him, he doesn’t do it. He’ll spend his time pretending to be doing it, he’ll lie to me and tell me that he’s doing it, but when all is said and done, he’s really just been putting his effort into something else, instead. He hasn’t even started! And yes, I have dealt with my own shortcomings and psychiatric issues this whole time. He’s been wonderful in accepting me for who I am, craziness and all. I understand and take responsibility for my part in the failing of this marriage. But I have tried to save this marriage alone for the past 4 years!! I have waited patiently, taken the abuse, and tried my hardest to be the wife he needs, for him to decide that I’m worth anything to him. And my mom wants me to hang in here and continue to do all that endlessly? If he doesn’t want me, why should I!? What’s the point? She even went into how I need to have dinner ready for him when he gets home! I think we’re well past that! I’m tired of struggling to be the perfect, unwanted, wife. I’m just done.
So, sorry mom. Thanks for the pep talk. I’m going to take this “last chance” for L as my time to become emotionally and financially stable enough to go it alone. In my mind, my marriage is over. I will not wait for the man of my nightmares to come around and realize what he’s losing. He’s had plenty of time for that. And I will not pretend to be the perfect wife in the hopes that my feelings for him will return. That is not the life I want, and that is absolutely not the life I want my children to grow up to emulate.
As I was fighting to hold back the tears while my mom was lecturing me, my sweet, 4-year-old daughter came over to me, patted my arm and told me that it would be ok. Thank you precious, little girl. You are an amazing source of light in my life. I am so, so sorry that you feel the need to comfort me. That isn’t supposed to be your job. I appreciate it, and I will work harder to be your comforter instead.
D, we have all done things we aren’t proud of. I’ve even had my own “hamster” experiences. One day, if there is ever a chance, I will tell you everything about me. No one knows it all, though, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t even force myself to say how terrible I am. If you think there is anything in your life that you could have done that would change my opinion of you, you are wrong. You can keep trying to convince me, but I love you so purely and so completely that nothing can ever shatter that. There are no conditions to my love. You are you, and you have a beautiful heart that truly shines through, and I will always love you for who you are. It is that simple. I would give up everything (aside from my kids) to go there and be with you… even if it meant I could never come back.
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