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Posts Tagged ‘broken heart’

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Life has just been. I haven’t felt the need to process my thoughts like this for quite some time. Lately, I’ve been feeling unheard. I just don’t know what L expects me to do when my mind starts racing. If I even try to talk to him, he treats me as though I’m being totally unfair to him. I’m not putting his needs before mine. Who’s going to even consider my needs if I don’t put mine first when I’m about to crash?! Why is listening to what I have to say, what I’m feeling, so detrimental to his well-being?

I’m so tired of even trying. Why do I struggle so much to be someone he wants when I don’t even want him? Why am I so terrified to be on my own? When did I become such a coward? And how do I get over it when I have two kids to protect? I don’t want them to grow up to be like me, but I also don’t want them to grow up without a father like I did.

How did I end up with someone that cares so little about anything?! When I met L, he seemed so right. He listened to everything I had to say, he was so gentle, he cared so much for others, he worked hard,but loved to play, too. He was everything I wanted. Looking back, I can see that there were some warning signs about his anger, but I never could have imagined how bad it could get. And now, he’s nothing that I fell in love with.

Recently, L’s job cut him back to 20 hours a week and asked that he telecommutes. He’s now home all day, every day. He plays WoW from the time he gets up in the morning until the time he goes to bed at night. He hates being disturbed. He takes breaks to cook or run to the store, but that’s it. He sleeps a couple hours at night, and after a few days of almost no sleep, complains that he’s always tired. If I even think to suggest it’s from all the late nights of gaming, he jumps down my throat. It’s rare that I make the mistake of talking to him about anything, anyway, though. He doesn’t want to hear it, if I speak my mind, it will either fall on deaf ears or piss him off. What am I supposed to do? I need someone I can talk to. I need someone to hear me. I feel like I’m drowning and he’s just content to hold my head under.

On another note, I had a dream about D last night. Not really surprising. He’s always on my mind. I don’t know how he got himself ingrained so deep. In my dream, he asked me to say goodbye and walk away forever. He gave me a single kiss, and I did as he asked. When I woke up, I felt so desperately alone. Not only was it one of the most depressing dreams ever, I woke up in a big, empty bed.  “When you’re dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part.”

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