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Archive for August, 2010

I was really looking forward to talking with you today, but I couldn’t reach you. I filled my time with my work and my kids and cleaning and all those fun things that I get to do every day, but now that the day is coming to an end and the kids are slowing down, I’m really missing you. I hope we get to talk soon. I have so much I want to tell you, and I’m curious about what’s been going on in your life, too.

We’re having a rainy day here. Fall is arriving quickly. It’s my favorite time of year, but it always makes me feel a little sad. This is the time of the year when everything seems to really speed up, and before I know it, the year will be over. I’m having a more difficult time with getting older than I ever thought I would. There are so many things that I have put off because I have always felt as though I still had plenty of time left. I know I still do, but there are some things that I put off that it really is too late for. I’m scared that a life with you is one of those things, or will be one of those things if I don’t figure my life out soon. I have so much work to do in comparison to how little time is really left.

I hope we get to talk soon. I’m longing to hear your sweet voice.

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The meeting we went to tonight wasn’t exactly what we were told it would be, but I am ready and willing to get whatever I can from wherever I am. Basically, the group was just finishing up a program that they had spent the past 8 weeks going through, so it was kind of awkward being there, but I listened to what everyone had to say, and these are some of my reflections and some of the things L and I discussed on the way home…

The first thing that really resonated with me was actually a quote from CS Lewis. It was about how we will usually choose a known hell over an unknown heaven. That was like another 2×4 for me. Obviously it was just another push toward going it alone. I am in a comfortable unhappiness, and while the unknown is scary and uncomfortable, I know there is happiness out there for me. It’s time to go find it. If I fail along the way, oh well! It will just make me stronger! I will only truly fail if I give up.

L and I were talking about the people who were going through separations or divorce or break-ups. We both saw them in different ways. L seemed to think that none of them were happy with their decisions and that nothing good was coming from their situations, but I heard what they were saying in a much different way. One woman ended what she was saying by explaining that she never really had the chance to be a kid, so now, without her husband, even though the divorce itself was painful, she is learning to play and be a kid! Another woman said that now that she is without her boyfriend, she feels strong! A man said that now that he and his wife are separated, he’s learning to really live and have meaningful relationships! Those are all such positive things that came from their experiences! It gives me hope that I am making the right choice.

Another thing that really made me think… the man leading the group talked about how people will treat us the way we treat ourselves. I see that completely with L. I have always struggled with my self-worth, and L tends to get what he wants from me by using that against me. He treats me the way I treat me. I need to treat me better so others will treat me better. I need to learn to set boundaries.

The gentleman leading the group also talked about the movie Dumbo. He talked about how we all have a magic feather. We all have that one thing that we think gives us worth. When we lose our feather, we need to realize that it wasn’t really anything more than an ordinary feather. That self-worth we got from having it is something that we really had all along. And we all have a little mouse that lives in our hat that makes us realize that. The only person that has ever helped me feel as though I am worth something is D. He saw me at my worst and loved me anyway. He has never seen me at my best, and he loves me. I don’t know what he sees in me, but his love makes me feel as though I can be who I want to be. I can be strong. I don’t even have to be with him to gain from his love.

D, I want to ask you, do you get anything from this? Who do you want your son to be when he is your age? Do you want him to be where you are? Do you want him to be treated by (and to treat) his partner the way you are now? Are you choosing a known hell because it’s comfortable instead of an unknown heaven? I’m not asking these questions in the hopes of “winning” you. I am asking simply because I love you, and I want you to have the opportunity to make the right choice for you, whatever that may be.

L, you mentioned that you still don’t see your place in this. You don’t feel that you have any responsibility in the breakdown of our marriage. That’s a really sad place to be. If you can’t accept responsibility for your part in this, you will have nothing to work on when it comes to putting the pieces of your broken self back together. I am sorry you are there. I hope and pray that you will realize just how broken you are. We both are. Neither of us had a good childhood, but it’s time to stop the cycle of hopelessness and abuse and give our kids a better chance at a happy, healthy future. I hope you are able to come to terms with what is happening. I know you feel it is all happening “to” you, but it is all happening without you because you are not present in our life together. You have not been a mouse in my hat, and you have not found anything that you are passionate about. You have no motivation to change. I hope that you find all those things. I hope that you find your own mouse in your hat. I tried to be one for you, but you were not open to my love and encouragement. Even now, knowing that you are losing me, you are angry and hurt, but you are not putting up any sort of fight. You make it so easy to walk away, and as sad as it is, I thank you for that.

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So, L reminded me last night as I was getting ready for bed that we were supposed to take the time to pray together. We sat down and L held my hand and started in. P and R told us not to just say what we think the other would want to hear, to really just talk to God. L doesn’t seem to know how to do that. He said a lot of the same things he always says. He thanked God for his family, our friends, his “beautiful, wonderful wife”… etc. Those are the same things he always says. It’s never really seemed too real since he usually doesn’t act in a way that makes me think he is actually thankful for any of those things. Then he asked for God to help us to do His will. That’s good. That’s what we should always want to do. That was it, though. Nothing about what he needs or anything too personal. It was sort of a let down. I asked for strength to do what’s necessary for us to grow strong individually. And I talked about how I’m feeling a push to separate and focus on myself and my kids and that if that’s what His plan is for us, then to open the doors that are necessary for that to happen. I also prayed that I have the strength to deal with all my emotions at this time and for L to have the patience and understanding necessary because I can’t just flip a switch and stop loving D.

After we were done praying, we talked a bit. I explained a bit more why I feel that I need the time alone to do this. I don’t want to go into this time that is supposed to be about me focusing on me and have someone else that needs my attention also. It will be hard enough with the kids, but to have a husband who is just as broken is just too much. I told him that the only thing I can commit to right now, to anyone, is that I will do what is necessary to create a better life for myself and my kids. I keep seeing flashes of my childhood in my daughter, and that is what I don’t want. I don’t want her to live through all the heartache and pain that I lived through. I want her to have the chance to truly be a kid and to grow into a wonderful adult. I don’t want her to go through the struggles I have gone through. I love her and I want more for her than I ever had.

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I couldn’t take the hiding anymore. I finally worked up the courage to ask P and R to sit down with L and myself and tell them everything that’s been going on. It was hard. It was worth it. Tonight, they just want L and I to pray together. I can do that. L is really hopeful we’ll work things out. I am not. I am really hopeful we can resolve and dissolve things in a peaceful, civil way. They pointed out that, in God’s eyes, no matter what, L and I will always be married. They said that God brought us together and wants us to be happy. I agree. I don’t know, though. Maybe there was some other plan there. They pointed out that I have been unfaithful in my heart. That’s something that I’ve been thinking about a lot. I know I have, and I told them that I really don’t care.

The way I am feeling about D isn’t the driving force in my life right now. It’s just an added issue to deal with. It’s something that I’m struggling with dealing with. D told me that he used to be somewhat obsessed… I don’t know how he got through that. He is obviously a much stronger person than I. P and R told me that I need to decide if I will give him up. I will not. I know that it’s wrong on some level, but not having him in my life at all is even worse. They asked me what I want to do from here. I told them that I didn’t totally know, but that I really need time alone to work on myself. I am a broken person, absolutely and devastatingly broken. I cannot focus on being a whole person when I am with someone else. I need my time to become strong, and that is something I will never be with L. They want me to take that time, but with the goal of coming back together with L in the end. I really don’t want that. I want to become strong and whole and make a better life for myself and my kids, no matter what that means for where my future will end up.

P and R seemed to think that I was saying that I wanted to run off and be with D. While that would be wonderful, it’s not what I want. I don’t want to be a broken person with anyone. I want to work through my issues and become strong and then decide where to go from there. I just don’t know how to deal with all the insane emotions at the same time. I hate feeling like I’m obsessed, but at the same time, I don’t. It’s crazy, but I don’t want to lose the way I feel about D. I love that he tells me so much. P and R talked about how I haven’t seen D in 12 years, so all he’s going to show me is the façade that everyone puts up to make themselves seem better than they are. Except, I don’t feel as though he’s been doing that. He’s had every opportunity to do that, and he’s told me things that wouldn’t build up any sort of façade. I know that they don’t understand that. I hate that I can’t share the depth of the connection I feel and have felt for so long with D. They think that I just want to jump ship and find something fun. Yeah, it would be nice to have fun again, but that isn’t all I would be expecting. Anyway, those are all the reasons I don’t want to be in a relationship now… with anyone.

Here is what I want. I want to go my own way. I want to learn to be alone. I want to be strong. I want to be independent. I want to learn to take care of myself and my kids. I want to deal with the hurt and issues from my past. I want to find my own happiness. I want to stay in contact with D so I’ll know if there’s ever a chance for us. I want to be someone worthy of being loved. So, we will all be praying and looking into all our options. I am going to focus on myself and my kids and start healing.

It was hard pouring out my soul to them. I cried tears I didn’t even know I had. L was angry that we were even there. L seems to think that I should just be able to make all these feelings for D go away. It’s not possible, and even if it were, I wouldn’t want them to. They asked us if we still love each other. L said that he does still love me, without any hesitation. I said no, without any hesitation. I don’t think they really heard me. I think they think I’m confused about it, but I AM sure. It’s one of the few things that I am absolutely sure about. I know I made my vows before God to love, honor and respect my husband, but I just don’t know how to do any of that, anymore. I don’t even care to.

First baby step, going to a Christian program tomorrow night with L that discusses marriage and deciding whether to stay or leave. Providence. I’m open to whatever answers lie before me. I don’t care to hear only what I want to hear, I want to hear whatever it is I need to hear.

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L,

There are so many things I want to scream at you right now, but I know it would just make things worse. So here I am, telling the world instead of you. You said this morning that you were so angry and detached from us because the kids were driving you crazy. Your parent’s watched them for 5 hours so you could have some time alone. You didn’t calm down and now you are even worse! Since they got home, you have been in a constant rage! You are driving me crazy, and I can’t even tell you to knock it off because I don’t know what you’ll do! I’m just so sick of you! Is it wrong for me to be so fucking disgusted by my own husband? Probably. Do I care? No.

As soon as the kids were home, you started back in with all your “I don’t care”s. Do you really feel it’s necessary to tell your daughter that you don’t care every time she speaks to you? Do you not realize what message that sends across to her? I mean, it seems so obvious, but maybe you really are that indifferent.

I hate that I look forward to the weekends being over. Every Friday, I find myself thinking, “Not another weekend, already!” I used to be anxious for you to come home after work. Now I wish you wouldn’t. I can’t wait to have the finances in place to be able to leave you. Even if L has no interest in me, I want to leave the country just to get away from you. It scares me what kind of psychological damage you have already done to our kids. You treat them like they are nothing more than a nuisance you can’t wait to get rid of. You tell them they never think, you tell them that you wish you had good kids. I wish they had a good dad. You’ve made it apparent that you can’t be that. I don’t understand how you can say you love them, but then treat them the way you do. When you don’t think I’m looking, I am. I see your looks of contempt and disgust when you are looking at them. Even when you are doing something fun with them, by your own choice, your body language and demeanor scream that you just want them to go away. Why are you still here? What is it you want from us? Are you trying to keep us from moving on simply to keep us as unhappy as you?

And by the way, I’m not an idiot, either. I really don’t appreciate all your backhanded compliments. I sweetly accept them the same way I kiss you when you want a kiss… I pretend that everything is fine, but inside, I just can’t wait for this to be over. It feels so horribly wrong to be with you, but I know that it’s my only option until I can support myself and my kids. For now, I’ll just keep telling the world all the things I wish I could tell you.

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So, just as I was starting to feel lonely and sad… and a bit sorry for myself, I came across this quote:

“Perfer et obdura: dolor hic tibi proderit olim” -Ovid

It means: Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.

It was just the reminder I needed that I don’t need to wallow in the moment. One day, this will be behind me, and I will be able to look back and understand how it has shaped me. Instead of being down, I need to immerse myself in my life and in creating the tomorrow I want. I need to work toward something, and right now, the only thing I can really work toward is a better life for my kids. I can do this, and I appreciate all the reminders God puts out there.

D, Sad we didn’t get the chance to talk, but I am really happy for you that you are doing something for yourself. It’s what I need to be doing, too. I hope you have a wonderful time and I look forward to the next time we can talk.

L, Thanks for the rampage this morning. It seems like just when I start having the slightest inkling of doubt about moving on without you, you do something that snaps me back to reality. If I heard you respond “I don’t care” one more time to our daughter, I was going to scream. It was especially satirical when you followed up one of the “I don’t care”s with a lecture about how she needs to be nice and how she needs to respect you! While I won’t show you disrespect, do you really think you deserve respect from any of us?! You had it, you terrorized us, lied, and showed no signs of integrity, so you lost it. Demanding it without making the necessary changes isn’t going to get it back. It just makes us respect you less. And just so you know, it is NOT my fault the kids don’t respect you. I make a point to be respectful of you. I never say anything negative about you around the kids, I never go against what you say, and when I disagree with what you are doing, I tell you privately. The only times I may cross the line, are when I tell you to take your hands off of them. I’m sorry if that bothers you, but I get tired of seeing the “accidental” bruises and being scared that you may take it too far. You have told me time and time again that you don’t know what you are capable of. If you don’t know, how am I supposed to know? You’ve told me that you have impulses when you are holding animals to squeeze them until they die. If that’s what comes to your mind when you *aren’t* angry, what am I supposed to think may be going through your mind when you are raging and holding one of our children by the arms?! Seriously, L, get a clue.

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50 Things I love (about you)…

1. The way you make me laugh
2. Your honesty
3. Your gentle spirit
4. Your intelligence
5. Your wit
6. Your charisma
7. Your playfulness
8. Your accent
9. Your gorgeous face
10. The warmth in your smile
11. Your strength
12. The color of your hair
13. Your style
14. Your masculinity
15. Your love of animals
16. Your kindness
17. The way you flirt with me
18. That you are so damn hot
19. That you are adventurous
20. The interest you show in others lives
21. The fact that you read “every word” of my blog
22. The way you interact with your son
23. That no matter what you do to yourself, you always look amazing
24. Your dedication
25. The sound of your voice
26. The way you seem to understand me
27. That you are outgoing
28. That you are hardworking
29. Your inventiveness
30. The way you sing
31. That you have a long tongue, too
32. That you’re crazy
33. That after all these years, you are still in my life
34. That you have a servant’s heart
35. That you are free-spirited
36. The perfect lines of your face
37. The perfect lines of your body
38. The way the corners of your eyes wrinkle when you smile
39. That you are a kid at heart
40. The shape of your lips
41. The way your neck looks like the perfect place for my lips
42. Your acceptance
43. The way you truly listen
44. Your courtesy toward others
45. Your willingness to take whatever life throws at you
46. Your thoughtfulness
47. Your ability to express your emotions
48. Your optimism
49. Your artistic talent
50. That you love me

It didn’t take me long to come up with this list, but I did put a lot of thought into it. If there is anything on this list you don’t believe, feel free to question it. I can be more specific.

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