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Archive for September, 2010

It’s Not So Bad…

Today… nothing is really different today. It’s been about the same as any other day. Today is my birthday. I’ve been looking forward to it and dreading it all at the same time. It’s not that I’m having issues with the actual age, or with the actual getting older… what I’m having issues with is the *looking* older. I see myself differently than everyone else does, I know. I also realized that in all honesty, there’s nothing about me that just screams my age or anything. So, I think I’m pretty much over it.

I am 30. I have been through a lot in my life. Yes, I have tiny wrinkles, white hair, bifocals… but I also have wisdom that I didn’t have 10 years ago, self-confidence, inner-peace… and I enjoy playing with my kids. Playing makes me feel like I’m still young. It really isn’t a big deal, at all. I’m going to just keep enjoying life and playing like I’m still a kid! Pillow fights, here I come!!

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So, yay! I got to talk to D this afternoon! It was so good to hear his voice! He sounded tired, but less like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. I’m happy for him that he’s finding room to breathe in life. I totally understand that feeling… that need. That being said, D, when you called me an “old friend” and I asked if that was all I was to you, I didn’t mean for it to sound quite how it did. I don’t expect anything more than that, but it sounded so common and ordinary. Like, there should be a better way to describe the kind of friendship we have without having to change the dynamic of it. I can’t think of any words that can describe it, though. I am happy simply being your old friend, and loving you.

Earlier today, I came across this article. I’ve been doing a lot of research into the idea of lost love, and I find it interesting that it truly is like an addiction. I can see how I have days where I struggle to get through because I can’t get my mind off D. I have some days, like today, where I’m a bit more lucid and can take a step back and look at things a bit more rationally. Unfortunately, those days are pretty rare. I need to allow myself to think about him, but I also need to have a plan set for myself so I don’t keep getting lost in those thoughts. I don’t want to jeopardize the possibility of a future with him by jumping off the deep end.

So, what’s my plan? Allow the thoughts and hopes and dreams to come, to have their place in my heart and in my head… instead of being consumed by them, though, I will find something else to do. I will sit and play with my kids, work on my business or read a book. I need to be finding joy and contentment in the ordinary things I’ve always found them in. I know I’ll still have good days and bad, but I need to get back to a place where the good days outweigh the bad again. I know he needs his time, and I respect and appreciate that about him. I don’t mind waiting, at all. I enjoy just building a friendship with him. I won’t lose hope that one day, he will be ready, and we can move forward, but I need to also create a life for myself and my kids that won’t be devastated by losing him if he decides I am not what he wants after all.

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So, it’s the time D had originally told me to call him… when he gets off work there. I talked to him two nights in a row… then the next two nights, all I got was a busy signal, and now I’m going straight to voicemail. At least I know now that it isn’t that my calls are failing. I don’t know what to think, though. I’m scared that when I do hear from him again, he’ll tell me that he and his girlfriend worked things out again. Not that it would be a bad thing… for him, at least. His happiness is most important, but it would still be heartbreaking for me. I don’t know how to deal with the hope and the pain and everything else that is swirling around in my head. I wish I could compartmentalize, that I could just deal with everything at select moments and not feel like I can’t get away from any of it.

I’ve updated the Words to Live By page with random quotes and things I come across in my daily life. I’m not ashamed to admit it (maybe because this is anonymous), but I like Owl City, and I am a fan on Facebook… just a bit ago, this link came in through him… obviously his story is a bit different from mine (I never got that chance at the relationship), but the emotions are truly the same. http://owlcityblog.com/2010/09/27/everything-reminds-me-of-you/

It makes me wonder if I would have had a chance at moving past these feelings if I had at least been able to try.

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Last night seemed to be a rough one for L. After the kids were in bed, he came and sat down next to me on the couch. I honestly can’t remember the last time he did that. I know it was before we had kids, so it’s been at least 4 years, and since I spent most of my first pregnancy on bed rest, it’s probably been more like 5 or 6 years. So, I could tell he needed me to be there for him. We talked for a bit about failure and he confessed that he still doesn’t understand where he went wrong. I explained that it was really both of us, neither of us is solely responsible for the breakdown of our marriage. It was all a self-perpetuating cycle.

I held L for a while as he cried. When he was done, he was prepared to talk about some of the logistics of getting a divorce. He gets the car, we’ll sell the house and figure out the money… I told him that I want to take a trip out to Scotland alone, and asked if he would be ok with the kids for that. I explained that I’ll be raising the money for the trip by selling some of my excess business supplies. He said he’ll take me to the bank tomorrow to get my paperwork for my birth certificate notarized so I can start the process of getting my passport. I never expected him to be so supportive. This morning, he asked if we could put off starting the divorce paperwork until after the trip. Fair enough. He did get a couple of jabs in last night, but I just ignored them. It’s not worth a fight, and I don’t want to ruin the peacefulness of everything right now. He’s hurting, and I deserve whatever he has to dish out, anyway.

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Like my blog of endless squish really needs another post… I’m finding it really difficult not to walk around wearing a huge grin after talking to D on the phone. It was an amazing phone call. I miss him, I long to be with him, but I feel like it’s alright that I’m not. Like just the sweetness of his loving me is enough for now. I had butterflies, and my breath caught in my lungs just listening to him sigh. When we talk, I feel like we’re the only people in the world. Like all these miles just fade away.

How it is that the most incredible person I’ve ever known can actually love me, too, I just can’t fathom it. I am so grateful that he does, though. He is the love of my life, and I can’t wait to actually have the chance to walk beside him through this life. I know I should feel horrible about my marriage ending with L, but between the lightness of finally gaining my freedom from the misery that was my life, and the magic of the love D and I share, there just isn’t room for sadness in my heart.

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And I have sung! L and I had a serious heart-to-heart. He told me that he feels like he’s never going to be happy again. I told him that I’ve seen that in him. I told him that I feel as though I’ve been glued to the floor and am being pulled in different directions from the inside. He said he has felt like that before. Like if I choose what makes me happy, no one else will be happy. I agreed and told him that I feel like if I choose what makes me unhappy, still no one will be happy. He told me he sometimes wishes this was all a dream and that he could wake up 12 years ago. I agreed. I told him that when I do wake up from my dreams, I feel as though I’ve lost something special. That it’s almost as painful as losing someone I love. I think we both understand the depth of the misery between us.

He said that he will not fight for the kids. He doesn’t want to do that to them. He will stay here and sleep on the couch until we can figure out our finances and all that stuff. We plan on remaining friends and we hope to proceed with this divorce in a healthy way. We want to remain respectful of each other and guard each others heart whenever possible. I want to maintain a good relationship with him because I respect him, and forgive him, and want my kids to know him and love him.

We are going to wait to tell those closest to us so that we have time to deal with our emotions beforehand. We will only discuss it with our kids as things come up. They are too young to really understand what’s happening, and we don’t want them to end up confused or angry. We have a lot of work ahead of us, but I am prepared to do what’s necessary to come through this as intact and healthy as possible. It’s time for me to make the life changes I’ve wanted to make, but now I won’t have someone pulling me back. I feel relieved, peaceful, calm, and empowered. It’s amazing that such a huge, life altering thing can make me feel so light!

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HE LOVES ME! It’s simply amazing to be loved by someone so incredible! I want nothing more than to wrap him in my love and my arms before something else gets the chance to take him away. I think it’s a rare, precious thing to find someone who you are so connected to in this world. I’m sad that we have spent so many years apart, but who knows where we would have ended up. Maybe we both needed the time to become the people we are.

I know that there’s still time ahead of us apart, and there’s no guarantee that we’ll end up together. At the same time, though, it’s exhilarating realizing that we’re closer than ever before to a real chance. I can’t wait to discover what the future has to offer us. I hope that one day it will be D’s face that I see when I open my eyes. To feel the warmth of his skin on my fingertips… and not wake up and feel the pain of losing him to my dreams again.

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