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Posts Tagged ‘prayer’

The meeting we went to tonight wasn’t exactly what we were told it would be, but I am ready and willing to get whatever I can from wherever I am. Basically, the group was just finishing up a program that they had spent the past 8 weeks going through, so it was kind of awkward being there, but I listened to what everyone had to say, and these are some of my reflections and some of the things L and I discussed on the way home…

The first thing that really resonated with me was actually a quote from CS Lewis. It was about how we will usually choose a known hell over an unknown heaven. That was like another 2×4 for me. Obviously it was just another push toward going it alone. I am in a comfortable unhappiness, and while the unknown is scary and uncomfortable, I know there is happiness out there for me. It’s time to go find it. If I fail along the way, oh well! It will just make me stronger! I will only truly fail if I give up.

L and I were talking about the people who were going through separations or divorce or break-ups. We both saw them in different ways. L seemed to think that none of them were happy with their decisions and that nothing good was coming from their situations, but I heard what they were saying in a much different way. One woman ended what she was saying by explaining that she never really had the chance to be a kid, so now, without her husband, even though the divorce itself was painful, she is learning to play and be a kid! Another woman said that now that she is without her boyfriend, she feels strong! A man said that now that he and his wife are separated, he’s learning to really live and have meaningful relationships! Those are all such positive things that came from their experiences! It gives me hope that I am making the right choice.

Another thing that really made me think… the man leading the group talked about how people will treat us the way we treat ourselves. I see that completely with L. I have always struggled with my self-worth, and L tends to get what he wants from me by using that against me. He treats me the way I treat me. I need to treat me better so others will treat me better. I need to learn to set boundaries.

The gentleman leading the group also talked about the movie Dumbo. He talked about how we all have a magic feather. We all have that one thing that we think gives us worth. When we lose our feather, we need to realize that it wasn’t really anything more than an ordinary feather. That self-worth we got from having it is something that we really had all along. And we all have a little mouse that lives in our hat that makes us realize that. The only person that has ever helped me feel as though I am worth something is D. He saw me at my worst and loved me anyway. He has never seen me at my best, and he loves me. I don’t know what he sees in me, but his love makes me feel as though I can be who I want to be. I can be strong. I don’t even have to be with him to gain from his love.

D, I want to ask you, do you get anything from this? Who do you want your son to be when he is your age? Do you want him to be where you are? Do you want him to be treated by (and to treat) his partner the way you are now? Are you choosing a known hell because it’s comfortable instead of an unknown heaven? I’m not asking these questions in the hopes of “winning” you. I am asking simply because I love you, and I want you to have the opportunity to make the right choice for you, whatever that may be.

L, you mentioned that you still don’t see your place in this. You don’t feel that you have any responsibility in the breakdown of our marriage. That’s a really sad place to be. If you can’t accept responsibility for your part in this, you will have nothing to work on when it comes to putting the pieces of your broken self back together. I am sorry you are there. I hope and pray that you will realize just how broken you are. We both are. Neither of us had a good childhood, but it’s time to stop the cycle of hopelessness and abuse and give our kids a better chance at a happy, healthy future. I hope you are able to come to terms with what is happening. I know you feel it is all happening “to” you, but it is all happening without you because you are not present in our life together. You have not been a mouse in my hat, and you have not found anything that you are passionate about. You have no motivation to change. I hope that you find all those things. I hope that you find your own mouse in your hat. I tried to be one for you, but you were not open to my love and encouragement. Even now, knowing that you are losing me, you are angry and hurt, but you are not putting up any sort of fight. You make it so easy to walk away, and as sad as it is, I thank you for that.

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So, L reminded me last night as I was getting ready for bed that we were supposed to take the time to pray together. We sat down and L held my hand and started in. P and R told us not to just say what we think the other would want to hear, to really just talk to God. L doesn’t seem to know how to do that. He said a lot of the same things he always says. He thanked God for his family, our friends, his “beautiful, wonderful wife”… etc. Those are the same things he always says. It’s never really seemed too real since he usually doesn’t act in a way that makes me think he is actually thankful for any of those things. Then he asked for God to help us to do His will. That’s good. That’s what we should always want to do. That was it, though. Nothing about what he needs or anything too personal. It was sort of a let down. I asked for strength to do what’s necessary for us to grow strong individually. And I talked about how I’m feeling a push to separate and focus on myself and my kids and that if that’s what His plan is for us, then to open the doors that are necessary for that to happen. I also prayed that I have the strength to deal with all my emotions at this time and for L to have the patience and understanding necessary because I can’t just flip a switch and stop loving D.

After we were done praying, we talked a bit. I explained a bit more why I feel that I need the time alone to do this. I don’t want to go into this time that is supposed to be about me focusing on me and have someone else that needs my attention also. It will be hard enough with the kids, but to have a husband who is just as broken is just too much. I told him that the only thing I can commit to right now, to anyone, is that I will do what is necessary to create a better life for myself and my kids. I keep seeing flashes of my childhood in my daughter, and that is what I don’t want. I don’t want her to live through all the heartache and pain that I lived through. I want her to have the chance to truly be a kid and to grow into a wonderful adult. I don’t want her to go through the struggles I have gone through. I love her and I want more for her than I ever had.

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