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Archive for November, 2010

Happy Tofurky Day!

L had the day off. It was mandatory. He checked. We had our Tofurky dinner with the kids. L’s parents stopped by for about half an hour. L sat around playing WoW all day. He yelled at the kids, and was just a terror. What else is new, though, right? At one point, after several rude comments, I told L it felt as though he really enjoyed making me feel bad. He said he does. It’s pretty much constant now. I guess treating us well didn’t work for him, so he’s back to being mean. It makes sense when I think about it. It was easier to deal with his rages and outbursts and disrespect before because I had the right to ask him to stop. Now he does absolutely nothing all day except play on WoW, yell at the kids, complain about everything I do (or don’t do), and leave a huge mess around for me to clean up.

I don’t even know if I’m making sense. Last week, I was hit in the head by a heavy toy that my loving two-year-old son hurled at me while I was laying on the floor. It swelled up, bruised and gave me a headache. It’s been a week now and the pain is still there. I can’t turn or tilt my head to the left. I can’t sleep on my left side. When I do, I get a shock of pain and pressure through the left side of my head. I keep having these moments of fuzzy confusion accompanied by a headache. The first few days, that was mostly how I spent my whole days. Today, I have only had two. I’m sure they’re about gone. Hopefully the pain will subside soon, as well.

Anyhow, I hope everyone in the states had a happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful for my amazing kids, a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, and that someone out there truly loves me. I look forward to the day that I no longer feel as though I should apologize for being who I am. I can only imagine what it will be like to wake up in the morning to two happy children instead of screaming and shouting, to not have to immediately face the anger and rage and cynicism that I’m bombarded with every single day. I can’t wait to be strong enough to stand on my own and know that I’m better off.

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Denial much?!

It seems like just when I start thinking L realizes that we’ve both contributed to our impending divorce, he proves me wrong! The other day, he was saying that we had both made our choices and are beyond the need for saying “I’m sorry.” I started thinking that maybe he was thinking we were both at fault. Then, today, he was talking about when we started having problems. He said that the problems started when we had that huge fight a while back. Not sure why he thinks that, but I kind of snorted at him thinking he was joking, and he got defensive and said that’s the only thing he can think of other than my feeling for D. Wow! Really? Do you not remember that the kids and I had to move out last December because it was no longer safe to live with you?! Granted, I have always had the same feeling for D that I have now, but it wasn’t a current issue until well after I had moved out. And the huge fight about L being a jerk and having road rage only happened a month or two ago. We’ve been separated for almost a year, miserable for over four years, and this is all he sees as being the cause of the problems?

He keeps talking about how he can’t wait until we can afford to maintain separate households because he can’t handle being around us anymore. He keeps mumbling about how he can’t stand us just loud enough for us to hear… or think we hear him say it, and when we ask what he said, he explodes at us. He says we don’t listen, it’s none of our business, and that he doesn’t want to repeat it because he’s just being a jerk. But then, he says it again within a few minutes. He’s been screaming and rampaging again, and tells us every chance he gets how worthless we are. The house isn’t spotless? It’s because I’m incompetent. The kids don’t hear him? It’s not because he’s mumbling, it’s because they NEVER listen. Our just-turned-two-year-old son doesn’t understand what L is saying, it’s not because he’s a child and just starting to really grasp simple instructions, it’s because he’s too stupid to think.

You know what, L? You make it so easy to be done with you. I cannot wait to go our separate ways. I cannot stand being anywhere near you anymore, and I hate that you are so cruel to the kids that think the world of you. How can you do that to them?! You make me want to scream! I just wish you would shut the f**k up and stop verbally attacking us! Focus on your own problems and leave us to ours! You think we’re so worthless? At least we have tried to be good people!

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I must have misplaced it at some point…

How am I supposed to deal with the pain? I’m finding it harder and harder to choke back the tears. Loving you so impossibly, knowing your love for me, but not knowing if I’ll ever look into your eyes or feel your arms around me, it’s more than I can handle. I want to be working toward a life with you. I want to visit you and get to know you. I want to make plans for a future together. Everything is going to take so long anyway!

I want to have a life where I get to kiss you good night, and when I wake up in the morning, I fall in love with you all over again. I have gone over all the options life has laid out before me, and I know it’s you I want to be with. Yes, I’m scared, I have so much to lose, but when I think about life without ever taking the chance, I can’t see it ending up where I want it to take me.

Have we missed our chance? Suddenly, that question doesn’t make sense. We have a chance, we just have to decide to take it. Will we be faced with challenges? Of course! Is it worth the risk? For me, it is. What is it that’s got you so scared? We can’t figure it out if you don’t tell me.

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I long to be yours… the more I get to know you the harder it is to be apart from you. When I asked you what your favorite memory of us was and you said when we were at the movies and I was yours, my heart melted. I’m starting to think that you can’t possibly be human. How can you be real? I want you to know, my heart has always been yours. I don’t take the words “I love you” lightly. It’s not something I say to many people. I reserve it for the people in my life that mean the most to me. While I may care deeply for people in general, that specific phrase is something I feel should have a lot of meaning. Those words seem so trivial in comparison to the depth of the feelings I have for you.

Thank you for sharing even the bit of your life you do with me. I look forward to our talks each afternoon. I hope one day to be able to greet you at the door when you get home from work and lay in your arms as you tell me about your day. I want to create a place you can really call home. Somewhere you can forget about all your worries and just know that you are loved and cherished. I know that no relationship is without its struggles, and I promise that I will always respect you and guard your heart in a disagreement. I want to do the things that will bring you pleasure. The small things that will remind you of your worth, your value, and of just how incredible you are.

I am yours. Will you be mine?

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Where will we be? I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’m basically tearing two families apart. I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard so suddenly. What am I doing? Why has this man never left my thoughts? How did he become so imprinted in my being that I just can’t let go?! The more we talk, the more I wonder if I would ever be enough for him. Can I really fulfill his needs? I don’t even know what those needs are. Am I just going to end up another annoyance in his life? He doesn’t seem to think he is capable of ever truly being happy, so what kind of role would I be playing in his life? And what kind of effect would that have on me? I’m the kind of person that loves to laugh, finds joy in the simplest of things, and even in the worst of times, I find things to be happy about. I am, however, really susceptible to depression. That’s one of the things that has made it so hard to be with L. He’s such a negative person, that after 10 years (almost 11, now) with him, I find his negative outlook on life encroaching upon my optimism. I find it hard to deal with daily aggravations that I never had a problem with before, but dealing with L has left me so drained of patience and left so many bad thoughts in my head that I just don’t have the strength to fight it anymore.

D never really struck me as a pessimist, he says he’s a realist, but where’s the line between the two? It seems both views leave you feeling as though you have no control of your own life. They both seem to expect that the worst is going to happen and there’s nothing you can do about it. I know that life can never go off without a hitch, but I do believe that it’s possible to make the best of even the worst situations.

I opened mt blinds today to let some light in, and instead it was gray and windy. It’s amazing, though, I get to sit here and watch this storm roll in, I have a perfect view, between the trees, of the silver lining in the clouds. It’s perfectly framed, just for me, and so perfectly resembles who I am. As the rain picks up, there’s a shower of leaves and pine needles. Yet, it’s always so easy for me to find the beauty and serenity in even the wildest of life’s storms.

I still feel 100% sure that D is who I want to be with. I just hope that he really wants to be with me, and that we can share a true happiness in life. Otherwise, what’s the point?

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