Posts Tagged ‘hope’

At this point, what I really needed from you was the same patience and understanding I’ve given you. I told you that something major was going on in my life, and you were upset that I couldn’t tell you about it. I needed you to simply understand that it’s because my heart is shattered right now. I have fucked up my life, and I’m terrified that I’ll never be good enough to have my kids. I needed patience. I only told you that something was going on so you wouldn’t think I was ignoring you, or distancing myself from you. I wasn’t wanting to hurt you or tell you you were the only person I couldn’t tell about this. Honestly, you’re the only person I *want* to tell. I want you to know that I fail at life just as much as anyone else. I want you to know that I can trust you with even the most embarrassing, heart breaking aspects of my life. I simply needed to stay focused on cleaning, you didn’t have time to talk, and I didn’t want to break down into a sobbing mess again. I have almost no time left to get this done, and the pressure is really weighing on me right now.

You think I put this blog out there for everyone to see, but no one knows who I am. L knows I blog, but he doesn’t know where and he doesn’t want to read it, ever. I have only shared this blog with one person in my life, and that’s you. You are the only person that truly knows the depths of my heartache. I hope you can forgive me, and I hope that you don’t really think any less of me. I hope you can understand that the pain from this is paralyzing when I really think about it, and at this moment, I simply cannot allow myself to become paralyzed.

I want you to know that no matter what, I love you. My love is unconditional. I am not mad. I am a little hurt and really worried about you, but I will heal and move past that. I hope you can, too. And no, my image of you still has not shattered.


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Brain Cyclone

I’ve been staring at a blank post form for a few days now. I have so much swirling around in my head that I don’t know how to put words to. The constant concentration it takes to focus outwardly instead of being swept up by the spiral of emotions is giving me a migraine. I can’t even remember the last time I slept longer than an hour at a time. I lie awake in bed not even realizing I am awake and that time is rushing on without me.

For almost 3 weeks, I couldn’t get ahold of D. At first, I was sad. Then I became worried. I worried that something had happened to him and there would be no way for me to know. And I worried I had run him off. It happens to me all the time, so it never actually surprises me when that happens. I suppose it’s all just part of being socially inept… I ended up having a dream about D. Just that we finally got to talk. For whatever reason, I found peace with that and was able to cope. Not just cope, but find contentment in my daily life. Don’t get me wrong, D is always on my mind, but I guess dreams were all I had of him for so long that it was enough to allow me to get by.

A few days after I had the dream, D answered his phone when I called him. It was amazing to hear his voice again. So, now, I’ve talked to him three nights in a row. We’ve talked more than ever before, really, and have talked a bit more in depth about us. The confusion that’s creating is really taking its toll on my emotions. The hope I feel when he says that he wants me to be there, and the despair that takes over when he talks about not knowing if he can handle me and my kids… not knowing if there’s anything to work toward leaves me feeling completely lost. I honestly don’t even know if I would ever be enough for him. I want to be able to lay it all out there and figure out what my next step is. I am working really hard at being patient, but it’s hard when I don’t even know what I’m waiting for.

My mind is racing for the finish line, but it can’t seem to get out of this loop. I think I need to be reset.

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L took me to our local Scottish Pub for dinner tonight. Just the two of us. I’m not sure if he was trying to be nice, or if he was trying to remind me of what I’m longing for. As I write this, I am realizing how self-centered that is. He is in a massive amount of pain right now. As we ate our dinner, L told me that he’s trying to decide where he wants his life to go now, too. He said that he’s been focusing on the hope of winning me back. He has hoped that D would give up, would stop loving me, or would decide that he doesn’t want to be with me, and L would get me back.

After a bit of silence, he confessed that he doesn’t believe that a relationship between D and myself would ever fail. He doesn’t understand how we have loved each other for so long without anything to sustain that love. L told me that he is going to start focusing on where he wants his life to be assuming I will end up in Scotland. He still wants to be a partner in the business, which would make keeping my products in shops here, easier. He said he is also debating whether or not he would want to move to Scotland. I know it’s all way too soon to even be thinking about moving there, but at the same time, it’s a possibility I want to start planning for.

So much for not getting sucked into my endless day dreams of D. The constant barrage of emotions is intolerable. I don’t know how to deal with the highs and lows of the hope, loneliness, sadness for L, overwhelming love, joy… ugh, and so much more! I watch my kids with L… I see how much they love him, and I feel sick about knowing that I’m going to be taking them from that. I’m thankful that he has been so good to us recently, but it would be so much easier if he hadn’t suddenly changed. There’s just so much going on, and I wish I didn’t have to deal with any of it. I want all of this to be behind me so I can move forward. It’s hard being patient when I feel like I’m closer than ever to my true love and yet so incredibly far. My heart aches to be with him.

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I am finding it hard not to just give up. I don’t seem to know what page anyone is on, and I feel like I’m stuck in one spot and being pulled in so many directions. The pain of living is becoming unbearable and I just want it to stop. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I know, I know, focus on myself… and that’s fine. I know I need to, I know I need to get my life sorted out, but how can I do that if I don’t have any idea what direction to go?!  I never cry. I hate crying. Not because I think it’s a sign of weakness or anything like that… I’ve just spent too much of my life crying. I always fight back the tears, but it’s just too much. The tears keep coming, no matter how hard I fight.

I have this life that I just don’t want. I wouldn’t want to go back and do things differently because I love my kids. They are worth all the heartache. At the same time, however, there’s this life out there that I’ve always wanted. I’m scared that I’ll never get it. There are times that I wish that D had come up here 7 years ago. I would have walked away from everything to be with him.

Why has the timing always been such crap? When we first met, I was coming out of a relationship that had really done its damage. I was dealing with severe depression. I knew I loved him, then. He was all I ever thought about. When I switched schools, and I never heard from him, I told myself that it must have just been a figment of my imagination. We were so young, and I didn’t think there was any way that something that felt so overwhelmingly perfect could be real. I remember why we met, but I don’t remember when or how we actually met. It was as though I had just always known him.

When I met my ex, A, and I hadn’t heard from D, I just figured that I needed to move on. That it couldn’t have been what I thought it was. By the time that relationship was ending and I met L, it had been a couple of years. L was sweet, thoughtful and so much fun to be around. I knew he wasn’t “the one,” but I figured I could find happiness with him anyway, and that maybe he would eventually push D from my mind. I spent the next three and a half years putting off marrying L while discreetly searching for D… with no luck.

By the time half a decade had gone by, I gave up. I didn’t think I’d ever find him. I regret that. Getting married to L simply felt like the next step in life. A step I had to take if I didn’t want to end up alone. I’ve never actually been attracted to L. There’s nothing about him that drives me wild, but he treated me well, and I enjoyed spending time with him. I have always had to force myself to fulfill my wifely duties, but aside from that, until we had kids, I was fairly content.

Why was it so shortly after I was married that I got back in contact with D?! What sort of plan could God possibly have?! I don’t know what I believe anymore. D and I talked about him coming up to visit. I told L everything. Well, kind of. I told him that I had always loved D, that I still loved D. I don’t know how he dealt with it, but he did. He didn’t seem to care that I spent time talking to D whenever possible. L was even willing to let D stay at our house when he came for a visit. I spent all my time daydreaming about D coming up here and my life finally starting.

One night we were talking about something stupid, and D said something that hurt my feelings. At that point, L had never really done anything to hurt me. I felt again like my feelings for D must have been different from his feelings for me. I just figured that I was perceiving things that just weren’t there. Like I was just projecting my own feelings onto D. I decided not to be the first to reach out to him again. I wanted to take a step back and see if he would reach out first so I could know if he was truly interested or not. He did not contact me again. I decided that I had a decent relationship and I needed to just focus on that, instead.

It was hard at first. When L was out of the house, all I could think of was D. I would look at his pictures and long for him to contact me. I still lived in my daydreams and hoped that being with him would still be a possibility. I know I could have reached out to him again, but I just didn’t want to be reaching out to someone who didn’t truly want me. Eventually, I decided that it just hurt too much to wait, so I did what I could to erase his memory from my life.

At first, it was just making it through each hour. Then a day came that I didn’t constantly think of him. Then, eventually, he was just a fond memory, most of the time. There were always times that I would watch a movie and hear a Scottish accent and feel like I was falling into nothingness as the thought of him took my breath away. Other times, I would wake up from dreaming about him and feel such horrible loss at the realization that it had just been a dream. Those were the hardest days. I would look at the pictures I had of him, memorizing his perfectly sculpted face, and cry.

He eventually sent out a mass e-mail to everyone saying that he was back in Scotland and that he was doing well. I replied and told him that I was pregnant. I told him I didn’t know if he would want to know that, but he responded that he was happy for me. He apologized for never making it up to visit. He said that life had gone crazy. I told him I understood and I told him I was sorry for losing contact. I told him I had needed to focus on my marriage. He said that he understood. It was really, very cordial. I was doing everything I could to hide my pain from him. I felt like those intense feelings I thought we had for each other, once again, couldn’t have been real. Maybe I’m just an overly emotional, psychotic woman who thinks there’s something more to life and to this single relationship than there really is. How do I know where reality stops and my imagination begins?

I sent him a few e-mails over the next few years. They all went unanswered. I tried reaching out when I could, and I never got a response. When he posted on MySpace that his girlfriend was having his baby, I was happy for him. After all, he had been happy for me when I was pregnant with mine. I congratulated him, and still went unheard. When his son was born, again, I reached out to tell him to enjoy every moment as it all goes way too fast. Then I tried to give up again. Why did he even want me as a friend on MySpace if he didn’t want a friendship?

When he posted about his life being messed up and having relationship problems, I sent him a message asking if he was ok. He asked how it was that I always showed up at times like that. I’m not entirely sure what that meant, but I had tried in the best of times, too. I love him so much that even a friendship with him is worth all the pain. I asked him what he meant and what was going on, but he never responded.

L started to lose his grip on his anger when our daughter was born. I know introducing our son into the picture was not the smartest idea, but I wanted a second child, so we had one. L became more abusive and my marriage started to fall apart. The qualities he possessed in the beginning that made me think I could find happiness with him, simply disappeared. Everyone changes, yes, but he has changed in ways that make a life with him unhealthy. That, as well as never really being in love with him, there’s nothing left to save. I hate myself for admitting that I never loved L. I hate myself more for never loving him in the first place.

There were so many times that I wanted to contact D, but I didn’t want to disrupt his life. I figured he didn’t really want me to be in his life since he never really contacted me. Then, he sent a friend request through Facebook. He tagged me in a note that had a lot of fun questions. It made me wonder if maybe he did still care. When I would comment on something, he would actually respond to me. I feel stupid even saying any of this. Like I’m a kid again… such trivial things to the rest of the world, and if it was anyone else, it wouldn’t have mattered in the least. But because it’s him, I hoped to find some answers. What role does he want me to play in his life?

When I first separated from my husband, I wanted to call D, but I fought doing it. I was staying with friends, and I made sure that I didn’t really have a free moment, at all. But then, at night, I would tuck my kids into bed and I need time to just be alone everyday or I have trouble facing tomorrow. I would sit and watch Ballykissangel on my laptop while I made products for the shops. Usually, I don’t care for sappy shows or movies, but when it’s something that hits so close to home, I guess, I just fell in love with the show. The relationship that never was reminded me so much of the one I had with D.

After seeing him online recently, and talking to him, I’ve tried to find where we can fit into each others lives. I know I have a lot to work on, but it’s hard to want to focus on that when I feel as though I’ve searched for him my entire life. I don’t know if God makes specific people for us, or if there are past lives and we were somehow connected through them, or if we are soul mates or connected souls or if I’m simply a lunatic. They are all possible. I have enough of a grasp on reality to know that the latter is the most probable. I keep telling myself that I’ve simply seen too many sappy movies and read too many books… that I have this idea of a soul mate being possible, but it just isn’t. When I talk to D, I feel like he understands how I feel and doesn’t think I’m crazy for it, but when I don’t hear from him, I start telling myself that I must have misunderstood. Is it possible he’s too good to be true? Is it possible he just can’t bring himself to tell me that he doesn’t want me? Maybe I’m just too broken to believe that he could.

At any rate, I don’t know where I should be focusing my next step. I want to visit D, but I can’t get him to give me a solid answer. I would hate to plan out a trip only to arrive and realize I was foolish to think I would be wanted there… I’m scared to do nothing because I don’t want to run out of time. I don’t want to have another chance that could have been, but wasn’t. He says he loves me, that he still has feelings for me, and I believe that, completely. But I worry that they have diminished so much over the years, that they just aren’t enough anymore. I’m scared that he’ll never again love me like he once did.

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First off, my heart is heavy because D lost his Nana. It hurts that he’s hurting. I wish I could wrap my arms around him and hold him and just be there for him. I know that nothing I could do could make it better, but maybe by being there and taking care of him, it would at least make life easier. It seems like he really never gets a break from life throwing crap his way. It’s no wonder he’s as strong as he is.

It was nice getting to chat with him for a bit online today. When I see an e-mail from him in my inbox, my heart skips a beat! It’s crazy that I can feel that way over something so simple. And to have the affirmation that he loves me is enough to make me start trembling. I’ve never felt like that. I’m sure I’m going to sound like an idiot, but I’m a huge BallyK fan, and the way I feel because of D reminds me of the Peter and Assumpta relationship. If you aren’t sure what that is, just look Ballykissangel up on YouTube. Or, even better, watch the series. I’ve never watched a show where I felt like I was really absorbed into the life, but BallyK is so well written and so well acted, I got lost in it. And the relationship between those two reminded me so much of the way things have always seemed to be between me and D, so I ended up even more emotionally invested. Of course, I would hope for a better ending than what they were given. It’s not often that I cry when watching movies or tv, but that show moved me to tears more times than I care to admit.

I’ve wondered recently how it is that D can love me. What it is about me that attracted him to me. I realize that I see him differently than he sees himself, but he is truly gorgeous. I’d rather look at D all day than, say, Johnny Depp! And then he has a heart and personality to match. He could have any woman, and he loves me?! How can that be possible?! I realize that I’ve been beaten down for so long that I don’t see myself the way the rest of the world does. That must be what’s happening. Out of the blue today, an ex sent me a message and told me that he wished we had never broken up. He actually said that I am beautiful. I don’t think I’ve heard that honestly said for a long time. L calls me beautiful, but it’s just a nickname to him. He calls our daughter that, too. If I try to look my best, he tells me I look “nice”… unless he doesn’t think I look good, then he just tells me that I look “uncomfortable.” I appreciate his honesty. I wouldn’t want to go out looking bad… it would have been nice to hear once in a while that I am pretty. But, anyway, the ex is being somewhat pushy, but I explained where I’m at in life. I have no interest in anyone else. I feel like D and I are meant to be together. We have a love that has survived so many years and so many miles without any real hope. That has to mean something.

I asked D if he would want me to go visit him. He said yes. It’s a good place to start. I need to save up a bit more, I need to get my id and passport, and I need to make arrangements for my kids and everything else. When I get there, I will kiss him. As D said, “experience the kiss that never was.” And he will take me to see Highland Coos! I hope that by visiting, we’ll at least get to see if there’s something there. If there’s nothing there, at least we would know and be able to move on (not that I think that’s what would happen) and if there is something there, like I think there is, then we can talk about what to do from there. There’s no rush to start a relationship as we both need our time alone to rebuild who we are individually. But I don’t think it would hurt to see where we’re at. Having something that I’m so close to being able to grasp makes me feel light and giddy. I can’t wait to see him!

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If I could do anything, right at this moment, without the fear of failure, I would show up on D’s doorstep and give him that kiss that I owe him for bowling that strike… plus 12 years of interest! Hey, why not?! That’s my dream. There’s a lot more risk in it than the obvious being shot down. I’ve thought about it a lot. I would need to get a visa to be able to live over there and I would have to be able to provide for myself and my kids.

In a way, I’ve been working toward that goal. I don’t even know if D would want me to go there, but it’s my dream and I know that there’s a lot of time before I’ll be at a point where a decision really has to be made. I’m working hard on my business. It started out with the idea of selling in one shop. Now I have products in 3 shops, an etsy shop, a bunch of custom orders, and possible interest from a shop in another state! Every month, my profit goes up! It’s amazing in this economy! So, I know that one of these days, I will be completely capable of supporting my family on my own.

For now I’ll dream, but if I don’t take the risk, I can never succeed.

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I was really looking forward to talking with you today, but I couldn’t reach you. I filled my time with my work and my kids and cleaning and all those fun things that I get to do every day, but now that the day is coming to an end and the kids are slowing down, I’m really missing you. I hope we get to talk soon. I have so much I want to tell you, and I’m curious about what’s been going on in your life, too.

We’re having a rainy day here. Fall is arriving quickly. It’s my favorite time of year, but it always makes me feel a little sad. This is the time of the year when everything seems to really speed up, and before I know it, the year will be over. I’m having a more difficult time with getting older than I ever thought I would. There are so many things that I have put off because I have always felt as though I still had plenty of time left. I know I still do, but there are some things that I put off that it really is too late for. I’m scared that a life with you is one of those things, or will be one of those things if I don’t figure my life out soon. I have so much work to do in comparison to how little time is really left.

I hope we get to talk soon. I’m longing to hear your sweet voice.

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