What Am I Doing?

I am finding it hard not to just give up. I don’t seem to know what page anyone is on, and I feel like I’m stuck in one spot and being pulled in so many directions. The pain of living is becoming unbearable and I just want it to stop. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I know, I know, focus on myself… and that’s fine. I know I need to, I know I need to get my life sorted out, but how can I do that if I don’t have any idea what direction to go?!  I never cry. I hate crying. Not because I think it’s a sign of weakness or anything like that… I’ve just spent too much of my life crying. I always fight back the tears, but it’s just too much. The tears keep coming, no matter how hard I fight.

I have this life that I just don’t want. I wouldn’t want to go back and do things differently because I love my kids. They are worth all the heartache. At the same time, however, there’s this life out there that I’ve always wanted. I’m scared that I’ll never get it. There are times that I wish that D had come up here 7 years ago. I would have walked away from everything to be with him.

Why has the timing always been such crap? When we first met, I was coming out of a relationship that had really done its damage. I was dealing with severe depression. I knew I loved him, then. He was all I ever thought about. When I switched schools, and I never heard from him, I told myself that it must have just been a figment of my imagination. We were so young, and I didn’t think there was any way that something that felt so overwhelmingly perfect could be real. I remember why we met, but I don’t remember when or how we actually met. It was as though I had just always known him.

When I met my ex, A, and I hadn’t heard from D, I just figured that I needed to move on. That it couldn’t have been what I thought it was. By the time that relationship was ending and I met L, it had been a couple of years. L was sweet, thoughtful and so much fun to be around. I knew he wasn’t “the one,” but I figured I could find happiness with him anyway, and that maybe he would eventually push D from my mind. I spent the next three and a half years putting off marrying L while discreetly searching for D… with no luck.

By the time half a decade had gone by, I gave up. I didn’t think I’d ever find him. I regret that. Getting married to L simply felt like the next step in life. A step I had to take if I didn’t want to end up alone. I’ve never actually been attracted to L. There’s nothing about him that drives me wild, but he treated me well, and I enjoyed spending time with him. I have always had to force myself to fulfill my wifely duties, but aside from that, until we had kids, I was fairly content.

Why was it so shortly after I was married that I got back in contact with D?! What sort of plan could God possibly have?! I don’t know what I believe anymore. D and I talked about him coming up to visit. I told L everything. Well, kind of. I told him that I had always loved D, that I still loved D. I don’t know how he dealt with it, but he did. He didn’t seem to care that I spent time talking to D whenever possible. L was even willing to let D stay at our house when he came for a visit. I spent all my time daydreaming about D coming up here and my life finally starting.

One night we were talking about something stupid, and D said something that hurt my feelings. At that point, L had never really done anything to hurt me. I felt again like my feelings for D must have been different from his feelings for me. I just figured that I was perceiving things that just weren’t there. Like I was just projecting my own feelings onto D. I decided not to be the first to reach out to him again. I wanted to take a step back and see if he would reach out first so I could know if he was truly interested or not. He did not contact me again. I decided that I had a decent relationship and I needed to just focus on that, instead.

It was hard at first. When L was out of the house, all I could think of was D. I would look at his pictures and long for him to contact me. I still lived in my daydreams and hoped that being with him would still be a possibility. I know I could have reached out to him again, but I just didn’t want to be reaching out to someone who didn’t truly want me. Eventually, I decided that it just hurt too much to wait, so I did what I could to erase his memory from my life.

At first, it was just making it through each hour. Then a day came that I didn’t constantly think of him. Then, eventually, he was just a fond memory, most of the time. There were always times that I would watch a movie and hear a Scottish accent and feel like I was falling into nothingness as the thought of him took my breath away. Other times, I would wake up from dreaming about him and feel such horrible loss at the realization that it had just been a dream. Those were the hardest days. I would look at the pictures I had of him, memorizing his perfectly sculpted face, and cry.

He eventually sent out a mass e-mail to everyone saying that he was back in Scotland and that he was doing well. I replied and told him that I was pregnant. I told him I didn’t know if he would want to know that, but he responded that he was happy for me. He apologized for never making it up to visit. He said that life had gone crazy. I told him I understood and I told him I was sorry for losing contact. I told him I had needed to focus on my marriage. He said that he understood. It was really, very cordial. I was doing everything I could to hide my pain from him. I felt like those intense feelings I thought we had for each other, once again, couldn’t have been real. Maybe I’m just an overly emotional, psychotic woman who thinks there’s something more to life and to this single relationship than there really is. How do I know where reality stops and my imagination begins?

I sent him a few e-mails over the next few years. They all went unanswered. I tried reaching out when I could, and I never got a response. When he posted on MySpace that his girlfriend was having his baby, I was happy for him. After all, he had been happy for me when I was pregnant with mine. I congratulated him, and still went unheard. When his son was born, again, I reached out to tell him to enjoy every moment as it all goes way too fast. Then I tried to give up again. Why did he even want me as a friend on MySpace if he didn’t want a friendship?

When he posted about his life being messed up and having relationship problems, I sent him a message asking if he was ok. He asked how it was that I always showed up at times like that. I’m not entirely sure what that meant, but I had tried in the best of times, too. I love him so much that even a friendship with him is worth all the pain. I asked him what he meant and what was going on, but he never responded.

L started to lose his grip on his anger when our daughter was born. I know introducing our son into the picture was not the smartest idea, but I wanted a second child, so we had one. L became more abusive and my marriage started to fall apart. The qualities he possessed in the beginning that made me think I could find happiness with him, simply disappeared. Everyone changes, yes, but he has changed in ways that make a life with him unhealthy. That, as well as never really being in love with him, there’s nothing left to save. I hate myself for admitting that I never loved L. I hate myself more for never loving him in the first place.

There were so many times that I wanted to contact D, but I didn’t want to disrupt his life. I figured he didn’t really want me to be in his life since he never really contacted me. Then, he sent a friend request through Facebook. He tagged me in a note that had a lot of fun questions. It made me wonder if maybe he did still care. When I would comment on something, he would actually respond to me. I feel stupid even saying any of this. Like I’m a kid again… such trivial things to the rest of the world, and if it was anyone else, it wouldn’t have mattered in the least. But because it’s him, I hoped to find some answers. What role does he want me to play in his life?

When I first separated from my husband, I wanted to call D, but I fought doing it. I was staying with friends, and I made sure that I didn’t really have a free moment, at all. But then, at night, I would tuck my kids into bed and I need time to just be alone everyday or I have trouble facing tomorrow. I would sit and watch Ballykissangel on my laptop while I made products for the shops. Usually, I don’t care for sappy shows or movies, but when it’s something that hits so close to home, I guess, I just fell in love with the show. The relationship that never was reminded me so much of the one I had with D.

After seeing him online recently, and talking to him, I’ve tried to find where we can fit into each others lives. I know I have a lot to work on, but it’s hard to want to focus on that when I feel as though I’ve searched for him my entire life. I don’t know if God makes specific people for us, or if there are past lives and we were somehow connected through them, or if we are soul mates or connected souls or if I’m simply a lunatic. They are all possible. I have enough of a grasp on reality to know that the latter is the most probable. I keep telling myself that I’ve simply seen too many sappy movies and read too many books… that I have this idea of a soul mate being possible, but it just isn’t. When I talk to D, I feel like he understands how I feel and doesn’t think I’m crazy for it, but when I don’t hear from him, I start telling myself that I must have misunderstood. Is it possible he’s too good to be true? Is it possible he just can’t bring himself to tell me that he doesn’t want me? Maybe I’m just too broken to believe that he could.

At any rate, I don’t know where I should be focusing my next step. I want to visit D, but I can’t get him to give me a solid answer. I would hate to plan out a trip only to arrive and realize I was foolish to think I would be wanted there… I’m scared to do nothing because I don’t want to run out of time. I don’t want to have another chance that could have been, but wasn’t. He says he loves me, that he still has feelings for me, and I believe that, completely. But I worry that they have diminished so much over the years, that they just aren’t enough anymore. I’m scared that he’ll never again love me like he once did.

Read Full Post »

Walking on Air

First off, my heart is heavy because D lost his Nana. It hurts that he’s hurting. I wish I could wrap my arms around him and hold him and just be there for him. I know that nothing I could do could make it better, but maybe by being there and taking care of him, it would at least make life easier. It seems like he really never gets a break from life throwing crap his way. It’s no wonder he’s as strong as he is.

It was nice getting to chat with him for a bit online today. When I see an e-mail from him in my inbox, my heart skips a beat! It’s crazy that I can feel that way over something so simple. And to have the affirmation that he loves me is enough to make me start trembling. I’ve never felt like that. I’m sure I’m going to sound like an idiot, but I’m a huge BallyK fan, and the way I feel because of D reminds me of the Peter and Assumpta relationship. If you aren’t sure what that is, just look Ballykissangel up on YouTube. Or, even better, watch the series. I’ve never watched a show where I felt like I was really absorbed into the life, but BallyK is so well written and so well acted, I got lost in it. And the relationship between those two reminded me so much of the way things have always seemed to be between me and D, so I ended up even more emotionally invested. Of course, I would hope for a better ending than what they were given. It’s not often that I cry when watching movies or tv, but that show moved me to tears more times than I care to admit.

I’ve wondered recently how it is that D can love me. What it is about me that attracted him to me. I realize that I see him differently than he sees himself, but he is truly gorgeous. I’d rather look at D all day than, say, Johnny Depp! And then he has a heart and personality to match. He could have any woman, and he loves me?! How can that be possible?! I realize that I’ve been beaten down for so long that I don’t see myself the way the rest of the world does. That must be what’s happening. Out of the blue today, an ex sent me a message and told me that he wished we had never broken up. He actually said that I am beautiful. I don’t think I’ve heard that honestly said for a long time. L calls me beautiful, but it’s just a nickname to him. He calls our daughter that, too. If I try to look my best, he tells me I look “nice”… unless he doesn’t think I look good, then he just tells me that I look “uncomfortable.” I appreciate his honesty. I wouldn’t want to go out looking bad… it would have been nice to hear once in a while that I am pretty. But, anyway, the ex is being somewhat pushy, but I explained where I’m at in life. I have no interest in anyone else. I feel like D and I are meant to be together. We have a love that has survived so many years and so many miles without any real hope. That has to mean something.

I asked D if he would want me to go visit him. He said yes. It’s a good place to start. I need to save up a bit more, I need to get my id and passport, and I need to make arrangements for my kids and everything else. When I get there, I will kiss him. As D said, “experience the kiss that never was.” And he will take me to see Highland Coos! I hope that by visiting, we’ll at least get to see if there’s something there. If there’s nothing there, at least we would know and be able to move on (not that I think that’s what would happen) and if there is something there, like I think there is, then we can talk about what to do from there. There’s no rush to start a relationship as we both need our time alone to rebuild who we are individually. But I don’t think it would hurt to see where we’re at. Having something that I’m so close to being able to grasp makes me feel light and giddy. I can’t wait to see him!

Read Full Post »

My Zombie Afterlife

I just got back from seeing Resident Evil: Afterlife! It was awesome! I love zombie movies!!! I feel like that was the only good part of the day, though. Not that my day was crap, but I’m having trouble dealing with the fact that it’s our 7 year anniversary and it feels like a farce. We went out to dinner before the movie. We went to Sweet Tomatoes. We go there a lot so the people who work there were all asking where the kids were and talking to us. L was proudly announcing that it was our anniversary, so people were all congratulating us. It made me feel sick and frustrated. I’ve pretended that we are the perfect family for so long, now all I want to do is tell everyone I can that, for the time being, I am stuck in this miserable, loveless marriage. But I don’t want to set L off, so I have to keep pretending.

I thought he had finally gotten the hint that it’s over, but I was wrong. How do I keep up the façade without having to submit to him? I can’t make it on my own, yet, and I can’t risk losing the kids to him. He wouldn’t want them for anything more than leverage. He has already admitted that he would only want them to keep me here. I’m working hard to get my escape in place, but it just feels like it can’t go fast enough.

How is it fair that my neighbor looks like D when he was younger?! He spends a ton of time outside. Every time I go out, I see him there, long red hair and all. It’s crazy. I can’t get D out of my mind. Of course, I like him being in my head all the time, but sometimes it would be nice to have a break from the longing. I just want to curl up in D’s arms and stay there forever. I’m not usually the squishy kind of person, but he makes me want to be. *sigh* I think I’ll head to bed in the hopes that I’ll dream of D instead of scary zombie dogs.

Read Full Post »

Delorted!

So yes, I was removed from D’s Facebook today. I completely understand why his girlfriend wanted it to happen, and I don’t blame her in the least. It still hurts, though. I allowed myself to be sad for a little while, but then I cleaned like a mad woman, finally got my business page up and running on Facebook and started on my daughter’s Halloween costume! I have four costumes to make this year, 2 for my kids and 2 to sell, so that will keep me busy for a while! After that, I start working on some things I’m making for a wedding! Not to mention, my wedding anniversary (not particularly excited, but L wants to take me out, nonetheless) on the 13th, L’s birthday on the 27th, my 30th birthday on the 30th, and my son’s birthday on October 19th! Then it will be the whirlwind of holidays, so I have plenty to focus on and look forward to!

And I will give myself permission to feel down sometimes, but not to dwell on it. I know it’s just this one little thing, but it scares me that I may lose contact with D again. It reminds me of the frailty of our connection right now. I tried calling him earlier, but couldn’t get through. I hope to have a chance to talk with him again soon to find out what he wants to have happen now. In a way, the not knowing is the hardest part.

As I found things to immerse myself in today, I came across two random quotes that stood out. The first one was from someone who just sent me a friend request today!

Never let what happened today let you down tomorrow, just keep your head up and it will all be fine.

The second one I saw just as I was on my way here to write this post…

“People that are meant to be together always find their way in the end.”

Now, I will go sleep. I am beyond tired and grandma will be watching the kids tomorrow, so I will have the chance to get a ton of work done! I need to be well rested! Good night!

Read Full Post »

Now I See You…

Now I don’t! *POOF* You’re gone! Just like that. God, it hurts. I’m in so much pain right now, I just want to lay down in a ball and die. But I have two kids, so I can’t even cry. Fighting back the tears is near impossible, the best I can do is wipe them away as quickly as they come. Life goes on, and I will figure out how I will, also.

If you’ve known this pain, how did you get through it? How do I keep you in my life and not feel as though my soul is being torn from my body when we talk? How do I let go of ever having a chance while still remaining friends? I truly want you to be happy. I want you to have what you want in life. I just don’t know how to get through the pain of it not being me. I don’t even want you to know how hard this has been for me. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me or know how weak I truly am.

I’m supposed to call you in a couple of hours… I need to find a way to compose myself so I don’t sound so stupid and emotional on the phone. It was wrong of me to ever tell you how I feel. I really am sorry that I did, but I will never regret loving you.

Read Full Post »

Failure101…02

Listened to the second Failure101 class with L. He had trouble staying awake again. I thought a lot about D, so I’m going to start out by asking him some questions, and all these questions are what I’m going to reflect on tonight.

D, What am I to you? Are you in love with who I was or are you in love with who I am now? Do you actually have any interest in working toward the possibility of a life together? I don’t need a definite answer. I know you can’t give me that, but I need to know if I’m pointing my life in the right direction here. If you have no interest in a life with me, please tell me so I can find a new future to dream about. You live your life in shame. Don’t let your mistakes define you. What did you learn from them? What good came from them? I want you to have a chance at finding the inner-strength I am working toward. You don’t have to be ashamed of what you have done. It’s good to feel remorse, but build a better life from it instead of tearing yourself down. You deserve better. If you could leave everything behind, all the good and all the bad in your life, and start over with a blank slate, what are the good things that are in your life that you would want to work toward having back? What do you feel is missing from your life that you would want to work for? In which direction would you want to focus your life?

Instead of focusing on all the negative things, all the mistakes you have made, focus on the good that came from them. Instead of focusing on who you don’t want to be, focus on who you *do* want to be. Who do you want to be, love?

I will be reflecting on all the things I accuse myself of being. I will work through my list of negative thoughts, identify the false beliefs, and find the positive changes I can make to be who I want to be. I will work through where I believe I failed in this marriage and focus on the good that came from it, and I will try to come up with a plan for trying again until I succeed. What can I do tomorrow that will get me one step closer to my dreams?

Read Full Post »

“And Dream I Do…”

If I could do anything, right at this moment, without the fear of failure, I would show up on D’s doorstep and give him that kiss that I owe him for bowling that strike… plus 12 years of interest! Hey, why not?! That’s my dream. There’s a lot more risk in it than the obvious being shot down. I’ve thought about it a lot. I would need to get a visa to be able to live over there and I would have to be able to provide for myself and my kids.

In a way, I’ve been working toward that goal. I don’t even know if D would want me to go there, but it’s my dream and I know that there’s a lot of time before I’ll be at a point where a decision really has to be made. I’m working hard on my business. It started out with the idea of selling in one shop. Now I have products in 3 shops, an etsy shop, a bunch of custom orders, and possible interest from a shop in another state! Every month, my profit goes up! It’s amazing in this economy! So, I know that one of these days, I will be completely capable of supporting my family on my own.

For now I’ll dream, but if I don’t take the risk, I can never succeed.

Read Full Post »

Longing to Hear You…

I was really looking forward to talking with you today, but I couldn’t reach you. I filled my time with my work and my kids and cleaning and all those fun things that I get to do every day, but now that the day is coming to an end and the kids are slowing down, I’m really missing you. I hope we get to talk soon. I have so much I want to tell you, and I’m curious about what’s been going on in your life, too.

We’re having a rainy day here. Fall is arriving quickly. It’s my favorite time of year, but it always makes me feel a little sad. This is the time of the year when everything seems to really speed up, and before I know it, the year will be over. I’m having a more difficult time with getting older than I ever thought I would. There are so many things that I have put off because I have always felt as though I still had plenty of time left. I know I still do, but there are some things that I put off that it really is too late for. I’m scared that a life with you is one of those things, or will be one of those things if I don’t figure my life out soon. I have so much work to do in comparison to how little time is really left.

I hope we get to talk soon. I’m longing to hear your sweet voice.

Read Full Post »

Finding Strength in My Refuge

The meeting we went to tonight wasn’t exactly what we were told it would be, but I am ready and willing to get whatever I can from wherever I am. Basically, the group was just finishing up a program that they had spent the past 8 weeks going through, so it was kind of awkward being there, but I listened to what everyone had to say, and these are some of my reflections and some of the things L and I discussed on the way home…

The first thing that really resonated with me was actually a quote from CS Lewis. It was about how we will usually choose a known hell over an unknown heaven. That was like another 2×4 for me. Obviously it was just another push toward going it alone. I am in a comfortable unhappiness, and while the unknown is scary and uncomfortable, I know there is happiness out there for me. It’s time to go find it. If I fail along the way, oh well! It will just make me stronger! I will only truly fail if I give up.

L and I were talking about the people who were going through separations or divorce or break-ups. We both saw them in different ways. L seemed to think that none of them were happy with their decisions and that nothing good was coming from their situations, but I heard what they were saying in a much different way. One woman ended what she was saying by explaining that she never really had the chance to be a kid, so now, without her husband, even though the divorce itself was painful, she is learning to play and be a kid! Another woman said that now that she is without her boyfriend, she feels strong! A man said that now that he and his wife are separated, he’s learning to really live and have meaningful relationships! Those are all such positive things that came from their experiences! It gives me hope that I am making the right choice.

Another thing that really made me think… the man leading the group talked about how people will treat us the way we treat ourselves. I see that completely with L. I have always struggled with my self-worth, and L tends to get what he wants from me by using that against me. He treats me the way I treat me. I need to treat me better so others will treat me better. I need to learn to set boundaries.

The gentleman leading the group also talked about the movie Dumbo. He talked about how we all have a magic feather. We all have that one thing that we think gives us worth. When we lose our feather, we need to realize that it wasn’t really anything more than an ordinary feather. That self-worth we got from having it is something that we really had all along. And we all have a little mouse that lives in our hat that makes us realize that. The only person that has ever helped me feel as though I am worth something is D. He saw me at my worst and loved me anyway. He has never seen me at my best, and he loves me. I don’t know what he sees in me, but his love makes me feel as though I can be who I want to be. I can be strong. I don’t even have to be with him to gain from his love.

D, I want to ask you, do you get anything from this? Who do you want your son to be when he is your age? Do you want him to be where you are? Do you want him to be treated by (and to treat) his partner the way you are now? Are you choosing a known hell because it’s comfortable instead of an unknown heaven? I’m not asking these questions in the hopes of “winning” you. I am asking simply because I love you, and I want you to have the opportunity to make the right choice for you, whatever that may be.

L, you mentioned that you still don’t see your place in this. You don’t feel that you have any responsibility in the breakdown of our marriage. That’s a really sad place to be. If you can’t accept responsibility for your part in this, you will have nothing to work on when it comes to putting the pieces of your broken self back together. I am sorry you are there. I hope and pray that you will realize just how broken you are. We both are. Neither of us had a good childhood, but it’s time to stop the cycle of hopelessness and abuse and give our kids a better chance at a happy, healthy future. I hope you are able to come to terms with what is happening. I know you feel it is all happening “to” you, but it is all happening without you because you are not present in our life together. You have not been a mouse in my hat, and you have not found anything that you are passionate about. You have no motivation to change. I hope that you find all those things. I hope that you find your own mouse in your hat. I tried to be one for you, but you were not open to my love and encouragement. Even now, knowing that you are losing me, you are angry and hurt, but you are not putting up any sort of fight. You make it so easy to walk away, and as sad as it is, I thank you for that.

Read Full Post »

Prayers and Baby-Steps

I couldn’t take the hiding anymore. I finally worked up the courage to ask P and R to sit down with L and myself and tell them everything that’s been going on. It was hard. It was worth it. Tonight, they just want L and I to pray together. I can do that. L is really hopeful we’ll work things out. I am not. I am really hopeful we can resolve and dissolve things in a peaceful, civil way. They pointed out that, in God’s eyes, no matter what, L and I will always be married. They said that God brought us together and wants us to be happy. I agree. I don’t know, though. Maybe there was some other plan there. They pointed out that I have been unfaithful in my heart. That’s something that I’ve been thinking about a lot. I know I have, and I told them that I really don’t care.

The way I am feeling about D isn’t the driving force in my life right now. It’s just an added issue to deal with. It’s something that I’m struggling with dealing with. D told me that he used to be somewhat obsessed… I don’t know how he got through that. He is obviously a much stronger person than I. P and R told me that I need to decide if I will give him up. I will not. I know that it’s wrong on some level, but not having him in my life at all is even worse. They asked me what I want to do from here. I told them that I didn’t totally know, but that I really need time alone to work on myself. I am a broken person, absolutely and devastatingly broken. I cannot focus on being a whole person when I am with someone else. I need my time to become strong, and that is something I will never be with L. They want me to take that time, but with the goal of coming back together with L in the end. I really don’t want that. I want to become strong and whole and make a better life for myself and my kids, no matter what that means for where my future will end up.

P and R seemed to think that I was saying that I wanted to run off and be with D. While that would be wonderful, it’s not what I want. I don’t want to be a broken person with anyone. I want to work through my issues and become strong and then decide where to go from there. I just don’t know how to deal with all the insane emotions at the same time. I hate feeling like I’m obsessed, but at the same time, I don’t. It’s crazy, but I don’t want to lose the way I feel about D. I love that he tells me so much. P and R talked about how I haven’t seen D in 12 years, so all he’s going to show me is the façade that everyone puts up to make themselves seem better than they are. Except, I don’t feel as though he’s been doing that. He’s had every opportunity to do that, and he’s told me things that wouldn’t build up any sort of façade. I know that they don’t understand that. I hate that I can’t share the depth of the connection I feel and have felt for so long with D. They think that I just want to jump ship and find something fun. Yeah, it would be nice to have fun again, but that isn’t all I would be expecting. Anyway, those are all the reasons I don’t want to be in a relationship now… with anyone.

Here is what I want. I want to go my own way. I want to learn to be alone. I want to be strong. I want to be independent. I want to learn to take care of myself and my kids. I want to deal with the hurt and issues from my past. I want to find my own happiness. I want to stay in contact with D so I’ll know if there’s ever a chance for us. I want to be someone worthy of being loved. So, we will all be praying and looking into all our options. I am going to focus on myself and my kids and start healing.

It was hard pouring out my soul to them. I cried tears I didn’t even know I had. L was angry that we were even there. L seems to think that I should just be able to make all these feelings for D go away. It’s not possible, and even if it were, I wouldn’t want them to. They asked us if we still love each other. L said that he does still love me, without any hesitation. I said no, without any hesitation. I don’t think they really heard me. I think they think I’m confused about it, but I AM sure. It’s one of the few things that I am absolutely sure about. I know I made my vows before God to love, honor and respect my husband, but I just don’t know how to do any of that, anymore. I don’t even care to.

First baby step, going to a Christian program tomorrow night with L that discusses marriage and deciding whether to stay or leave. Providence. I’m open to whatever answers lie before me. I don’t care to hear only what I want to hear, I want to hear whatever it is I need to hear.

Read Full Post »