Where’s That Manual?!

I must have misplaced it at some point…

How am I supposed to deal with the pain? I’m finding it harder and harder to choke back the tears. Loving you so impossibly, knowing your love for me, but not knowing if I’ll ever look into your eyes or feel your arms around me, it’s more than I can handle. I want to be working toward a life with you. I want to visit you and get to know you. I want to make plans for a future together. Everything is going to take so long anyway!

I want to have a life where I get to kiss you good night, and when I wake up in the morning, I fall in love with you all over again. I have gone over all the options life has laid out before me, and I know it’s you I want to be with. Yes, I’m scared, I have so much to lose, but when I think about life without ever taking the chance, I can’t see it ending up where I want it to take me.

Have we missed our chance? Suddenly, that question doesn’t make sense. We have a chance, we just have to decide to take it. Will we be faced with challenges? Of course! Is it worth the risk? For me, it is. What is it that’s got you so scared? We can’t figure it out if you don’t tell me.

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When You Were Mine

I long to be yours… the more I get to know you the harder it is to be apart from you. When I asked you what your favorite memory of us was and you said when we were at the movies and I was yours, my heart melted. I’m starting to think that you can’t possibly be human. How can you be real? I want you to know, my heart has always been yours. I don’t take the words “I love you” lightly. It’s not something I say to many people. I reserve it for the people in my life that mean the most to me. While I may care deeply for people in general, that specific phrase is something I feel should have a lot of meaning. Those words seem so trivial in comparison to the depth of the feelings I have for you.

Thank you for sharing even the bit of your life you do with me. I look forward to our talks each afternoon. I hope one day to be able to greet you at the door when you get home from work and lay in your arms as you tell me about your day. I want to create a place you can really call home. Somewhere you can forget about all your worries and just know that you are loved and cherished. I know that no relationship is without its struggles, and I promise that I will always respect you and guard your heart in a disagreement. I want to do the things that will bring you pleasure. The small things that will remind you of your worth, your value, and of just how incredible you are.

I am yours. Will you be mine?

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A Strange Sense of Peace

I talked to D on the phone a bit ago. It seemed like forever since we last talked. It’s always so amazing to hear his voice. I get so lost in the sound, it’s like nothing else exists. I have to admit, though, I had a hard time not crying when he said that at the rate it’s going, I may never see him. If he goes into the army there in February, who knows when I would be able to… so… I just have to work harder at gathering the funds before then. Then real question, though, if I can, does he actually want to see me? I keep getting the feeling that he doesn’t. I don’t even know how to explain the feeling. Like, he says he would like for me to go over there, but his answer is always so ephemeral, so elusive. I can’t get him to tell me if there would be a good time so I can try to plan accordingly.

L has been getting more and more down the past couple days. He seemed like he was doing ok for a while, but now he’s back to snapping at all of us constantly and rarely speaking to me at all. I don’t expect anything more than that, but it’s hard to watch and hard to tolerate. I’m having trouble finding the courage to step in and redirect his anger when he’s yelling at the kids. He’s back to being a bit too rough with them and playing the emotional mind games with all of us. I’ve always been scared to stand up to him, but now that everything is out in the open and our relationship is over, I feel as though I have no right. Of course, I can rationalize that I’m just being silly. I have every right to protect my kids, but I hate seeing him go into a rage. I never know what he’s going to do. He keeps placing everything on my shoulders. I know that I deserve the blame, but he has told me that he just needs hope and happiness and having me back is the only way he’ll have that. He’s using his unhappiness as an excuse to be horrible to us again, and placing the blame for his actions on my shoulders.

I’m feeling like the happiness I’m trying to cling to is slowly slipping away. Not because I’m tying my happiness to anything specifically, but I just know that things are going to get a lot worse before they can get better, and I’m in such a fragile state right now. I’m trying to overcome so much and I’m in so much pain as it is, and going through so many life changing events all at the same time, I just don’t know how I’d ever be able to make it though unscathed. I guess that’s kind of the point, though. It’s how life shapes us. I just wish I had some sort of respite from all of this. I need my own little hiding place where I can go and be an outsider in my own life for a while and rebuild the strength I need to face what is coming next… whatever that may be.

Even with all of that, I’m finding this seed of peace growing in me. I’m finding strength in the fact that everything going on right now is an opportunity to create a life I’m content with. And, oddly enough, I am just so incredibly happy for D that he is truly enjoying and claiming his freedom. I know he feels his own happiness is elusive and a long way off, but he seems like he’s on the right path. I pray our paths join one day. When all is said and done, though, no matter what, I am better for knowing him.

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A Night To Remember

L took me to our local Scottish Pub for dinner tonight. Just the two of us. I’m not sure if he was trying to be nice, or if he was trying to remind me of what I’m longing for. As I write this, I am realizing how self-centered that is. He is in a massive amount of pain right now. As we ate our dinner, L told me that he’s trying to decide where he wants his life to go now, too. He said that he’s been focusing on the hope of winning me back. He has hoped that D would give up, would stop loving me, or would decide that he doesn’t want to be with me, and L would get me back.

After a bit of silence, he confessed that he doesn’t believe that a relationship between D and myself would ever fail. He doesn’t understand how we have loved each other for so long without anything to sustain that love. L told me that he is going to start focusing on where he wants his life to be assuming I will end up in Scotland. He still wants to be a partner in the business, which would make keeping my products in shops here, easier. He said he is also debating whether or not he would want to move to Scotland. I know it’s all way too soon to even be thinking about moving there, but at the same time, it’s a possibility I want to start planning for.

So much for not getting sucked into my endless day dreams of D. The constant barrage of emotions is intolerable. I don’t know how to deal with the highs and lows of the hope, loneliness, sadness for L, overwhelming love, joy… ugh, and so much more! I watch my kids with L… I see how much they love him, and I feel sick about knowing that I’m going to be taking them from that. I’m thankful that he has been so good to us recently, but it would be so much easier if he hadn’t suddenly changed. There’s just so much going on, and I wish I didn’t have to deal with any of it. I want all of this to be behind me so I can move forward. It’s hard being patient when I feel like I’m closer than ever to my true love and yet so incredibly far. My heart aches to be with him.

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Love, Interrupted

So, yay! I got to talk to D this afternoon! It was so good to hear his voice! He sounded tired, but less like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. I’m happy for him that he’s finding room to breathe in life. I totally understand that feeling… that need. That being said, D, when you called me an “old friend” and I asked if that was all I was to you, I didn’t mean for it to sound quite how it did. I don’t expect anything more than that, but it sounded so common and ordinary. Like, there should be a better way to describe the kind of friendship we have without having to change the dynamic of it. I can’t think of any words that can describe it, though. I am happy simply being your old friend, and loving you.

Earlier today, I came across this article. I’ve been doing a lot of research into the idea of lost love, and I find it interesting that it truly is like an addiction. I can see how I have days where I struggle to get through because I can’t get my mind off D. I have some days, like today, where I’m a bit more lucid and can take a step back and look at things a bit more rationally. Unfortunately, those days are pretty rare. I need to allow myself to think about him, but I also need to have a plan set for myself so I don’t keep getting lost in those thoughts. I don’t want to jeopardize the possibility of a future with him by jumping off the deep end.

So, what’s my plan? Allow the thoughts and hopes and dreams to come, to have their place in my heart and in my head… instead of being consumed by them, though, I will find something else to do. I will sit and play with my kids, work on my business or read a book. I need to be finding joy and contentment in the ordinary things I’ve always found them in. I know I’ll still have good days and bad, but I need to get back to a place where the good days outweigh the bad again. I know he needs his time, and I respect and appreciate that about him. I don’t mind waiting, at all. I enjoy just building a friendship with him. I won’t lose hope that one day, he will be ready, and we can move forward, but I need to also create a life for myself and my kids that won’t be devastated by losing him if he decides I am not what he wants after all.

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Sweetest Sound

Like my blog of endless squish really needs another post… I’m finding it really difficult not to walk around wearing a huge grin after talking to D on the phone. It was an amazing phone call. I miss him, I long to be with him, but I feel like it’s alright that I’m not. Like just the sweetness of his loving me is enough for now. I had butterflies, and my breath caught in my lungs just listening to him sigh. When we talk, I feel like we’re the only people in the world. Like all these miles just fade away.

How it is that the most incredible person I’ve ever known can actually love me, too, I just can’t fathom it. I am so grateful that he does, though. He is the love of my life, and I can’t wait to actually have the chance to walk beside him through this life. I know I should feel horrible about my marriage ending with L, but between the lightness of finally gaining my freedom from the misery that was my life, and the magic of the love D and I share, there just isn’t room for sadness in my heart.

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He Loves Me… He Loves Me Not…

HE LOVES ME! It’s simply amazing to be loved by someone so incredible! I want nothing more than to wrap him in my love and my arms before something else gets the chance to take him away. I think it’s a rare, precious thing to find someone who you are so connected to in this world. I’m sad that we have spent so many years apart, but who knows where we would have ended up. Maybe we both needed the time to become the people we are.

I know that there’s still time ahead of us apart, and there’s no guarantee that we’ll end up together. At the same time, though, it’s exhilarating realizing that we’re closer than ever before to a real chance. I can’t wait to discover what the future has to offer us. I hope that one day it will be D’s face that I see when I open my eyes. To feel the warmth of his skin on my fingertips… and not wake up and feel the pain of losing him to my dreams again.

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What Am I Doing?

I am finding it hard not to just give up. I don’t seem to know what page anyone is on, and I feel like I’m stuck in one spot and being pulled in so many directions. The pain of living is becoming unbearable and I just want it to stop. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I know, I know, focus on myself… and that’s fine. I know I need to, I know I need to get my life sorted out, but how can I do that if I don’t have any idea what direction to go?!  I never cry. I hate crying. Not because I think it’s a sign of weakness or anything like that… I’ve just spent too much of my life crying. I always fight back the tears, but it’s just too much. The tears keep coming, no matter how hard I fight.

I have this life that I just don’t want. I wouldn’t want to go back and do things differently because I love my kids. They are worth all the heartache. At the same time, however, there’s this life out there that I’ve always wanted. I’m scared that I’ll never get it. There are times that I wish that D had come up here 7 years ago. I would have walked away from everything to be with him.

Why has the timing always been such crap? When we first met, I was coming out of a relationship that had really done its damage. I was dealing with severe depression. I knew I loved him, then. He was all I ever thought about. When I switched schools, and I never heard from him, I told myself that it must have just been a figment of my imagination. We were so young, and I didn’t think there was any way that something that felt so overwhelmingly perfect could be real. I remember why we met, but I don’t remember when or how we actually met. It was as though I had just always known him.

When I met my ex, A, and I hadn’t heard from D, I just figured that I needed to move on. That it couldn’t have been what I thought it was. By the time that relationship was ending and I met L, it had been a couple of years. L was sweet, thoughtful and so much fun to be around. I knew he wasn’t “the one,” but I figured I could find happiness with him anyway, and that maybe he would eventually push D from my mind. I spent the next three and a half years putting off marrying L while discreetly searching for D… with no luck.

By the time half a decade had gone by, I gave up. I didn’t think I’d ever find him. I regret that. Getting married to L simply felt like the next step in life. A step I had to take if I didn’t want to end up alone. I’ve never actually been attracted to L. There’s nothing about him that drives me wild, but he treated me well, and I enjoyed spending time with him. I have always had to force myself to fulfill my wifely duties, but aside from that, until we had kids, I was fairly content.

Why was it so shortly after I was married that I got back in contact with D?! What sort of plan could God possibly have?! I don’t know what I believe anymore. D and I talked about him coming up to visit. I told L everything. Well, kind of. I told him that I had always loved D, that I still loved D. I don’t know how he dealt with it, but he did. He didn’t seem to care that I spent time talking to D whenever possible. L was even willing to let D stay at our house when he came for a visit. I spent all my time daydreaming about D coming up here and my life finally starting.

One night we were talking about something stupid, and D said something that hurt my feelings. At that point, L had never really done anything to hurt me. I felt again like my feelings for D must have been different from his feelings for me. I just figured that I was perceiving things that just weren’t there. Like I was just projecting my own feelings onto D. I decided not to be the first to reach out to him again. I wanted to take a step back and see if he would reach out first so I could know if he was truly interested or not. He did not contact me again. I decided that I had a decent relationship and I needed to just focus on that, instead.

It was hard at first. When L was out of the house, all I could think of was D. I would look at his pictures and long for him to contact me. I still lived in my daydreams and hoped that being with him would still be a possibility. I know I could have reached out to him again, but I just didn’t want to be reaching out to someone who didn’t truly want me. Eventually, I decided that it just hurt too much to wait, so I did what I could to erase his memory from my life.

At first, it was just making it through each hour. Then a day came that I didn’t constantly think of him. Then, eventually, he was just a fond memory, most of the time. There were always times that I would watch a movie and hear a Scottish accent and feel like I was falling into nothingness as the thought of him took my breath away. Other times, I would wake up from dreaming about him and feel such horrible loss at the realization that it had just been a dream. Those were the hardest days. I would look at the pictures I had of him, memorizing his perfectly sculpted face, and cry.

He eventually sent out a mass e-mail to everyone saying that he was back in Scotland and that he was doing well. I replied and told him that I was pregnant. I told him I didn’t know if he would want to know that, but he responded that he was happy for me. He apologized for never making it up to visit. He said that life had gone crazy. I told him I understood and I told him I was sorry for losing contact. I told him I had needed to focus on my marriage. He said that he understood. It was really, very cordial. I was doing everything I could to hide my pain from him. I felt like those intense feelings I thought we had for each other, once again, couldn’t have been real. Maybe I’m just an overly emotional, psychotic woman who thinks there’s something more to life and to this single relationship than there really is. How do I know where reality stops and my imagination begins?

I sent him a few e-mails over the next few years. They all went unanswered. I tried reaching out when I could, and I never got a response. When he posted on MySpace that his girlfriend was having his baby, I was happy for him. After all, he had been happy for me when I was pregnant with mine. I congratulated him, and still went unheard. When his son was born, again, I reached out to tell him to enjoy every moment as it all goes way too fast. Then I tried to give up again. Why did he even want me as a friend on MySpace if he didn’t want a friendship?

When he posted about his life being messed up and having relationship problems, I sent him a message asking if he was ok. He asked how it was that I always showed up at times like that. I’m not entirely sure what that meant, but I had tried in the best of times, too. I love him so much that even a friendship with him is worth all the pain. I asked him what he meant and what was going on, but he never responded.

L started to lose his grip on his anger when our daughter was born. I know introducing our son into the picture was not the smartest idea, but I wanted a second child, so we had one. L became more abusive and my marriage started to fall apart. The qualities he possessed in the beginning that made me think I could find happiness with him, simply disappeared. Everyone changes, yes, but he has changed in ways that make a life with him unhealthy. That, as well as never really being in love with him, there’s nothing left to save. I hate myself for admitting that I never loved L. I hate myself more for never loving him in the first place.

There were so many times that I wanted to contact D, but I didn’t want to disrupt his life. I figured he didn’t really want me to be in his life since he never really contacted me. Then, he sent a friend request through Facebook. He tagged me in a note that had a lot of fun questions. It made me wonder if maybe he did still care. When I would comment on something, he would actually respond to me. I feel stupid even saying any of this. Like I’m a kid again… such trivial things to the rest of the world, and if it was anyone else, it wouldn’t have mattered in the least. But because it’s him, I hoped to find some answers. What role does he want me to play in his life?

When I first separated from my husband, I wanted to call D, but I fought doing it. I was staying with friends, and I made sure that I didn’t really have a free moment, at all. But then, at night, I would tuck my kids into bed and I need time to just be alone everyday or I have trouble facing tomorrow. I would sit and watch Ballykissangel on my laptop while I made products for the shops. Usually, I don’t care for sappy shows or movies, but when it’s something that hits so close to home, I guess, I just fell in love with the show. The relationship that never was reminded me so much of the one I had with D.

After seeing him online recently, and talking to him, I’ve tried to find where we can fit into each others lives. I know I have a lot to work on, but it’s hard to want to focus on that when I feel as though I’ve searched for him my entire life. I don’t know if God makes specific people for us, or if there are past lives and we were somehow connected through them, or if we are soul mates or connected souls or if I’m simply a lunatic. They are all possible. I have enough of a grasp on reality to know that the latter is the most probable. I keep telling myself that I’ve simply seen too many sappy movies and read too many books… that I have this idea of a soul mate being possible, but it just isn’t. When I talk to D, I feel like he understands how I feel and doesn’t think I’m crazy for it, but when I don’t hear from him, I start telling myself that I must have misunderstood. Is it possible he’s too good to be true? Is it possible he just can’t bring himself to tell me that he doesn’t want me? Maybe I’m just too broken to believe that he could.

At any rate, I don’t know where I should be focusing my next step. I want to visit D, but I can’t get him to give me a solid answer. I would hate to plan out a trip only to arrive and realize I was foolish to think I would be wanted there… I’m scared to do nothing because I don’t want to run out of time. I don’t want to have another chance that could have been, but wasn’t. He says he loves me, that he still has feelings for me, and I believe that, completely. But I worry that they have diminished so much over the years, that they just aren’t enough anymore. I’m scared that he’ll never again love me like he once did.

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Walking on Air

First off, my heart is heavy because D lost his Nana. It hurts that he’s hurting. I wish I could wrap my arms around him and hold him and just be there for him. I know that nothing I could do could make it better, but maybe by being there and taking care of him, it would at least make life easier. It seems like he really never gets a break from life throwing crap his way. It’s no wonder he’s as strong as he is.

It was nice getting to chat with him for a bit online today. When I see an e-mail from him in my inbox, my heart skips a beat! It’s crazy that I can feel that way over something so simple. And to have the affirmation that he loves me is enough to make me start trembling. I’ve never felt like that. I’m sure I’m going to sound like an idiot, but I’m a huge BallyK fan, and the way I feel because of D reminds me of the Peter and Assumpta relationship. If you aren’t sure what that is, just look Ballykissangel up on YouTube. Or, even better, watch the series. I’ve never watched a show where I felt like I was really absorbed into the life, but BallyK is so well written and so well acted, I got lost in it. And the relationship between those two reminded me so much of the way things have always seemed to be between me and D, so I ended up even more emotionally invested. Of course, I would hope for a better ending than what they were given. It’s not often that I cry when watching movies or tv, but that show moved me to tears more times than I care to admit.

I’ve wondered recently how it is that D can love me. What it is about me that attracted him to me. I realize that I see him differently than he sees himself, but he is truly gorgeous. I’d rather look at D all day than, say, Johnny Depp! And then he has a heart and personality to match. He could have any woman, and he loves me?! How can that be possible?! I realize that I’ve been beaten down for so long that I don’t see myself the way the rest of the world does. That must be what’s happening. Out of the blue today, an ex sent me a message and told me that he wished we had never broken up. He actually said that I am beautiful. I don’t think I’ve heard that honestly said for a long time. L calls me beautiful, but it’s just a nickname to him. He calls our daughter that, too. If I try to look my best, he tells me I look “nice”… unless he doesn’t think I look good, then he just tells me that I look “uncomfortable.” I appreciate his honesty. I wouldn’t want to go out looking bad… it would have been nice to hear once in a while that I am pretty. But, anyway, the ex is being somewhat pushy, but I explained where I’m at in life. I have no interest in anyone else. I feel like D and I are meant to be together. We have a love that has survived so many years and so many miles without any real hope. That has to mean something.

I asked D if he would want me to go visit him. He said yes. It’s a good place to start. I need to save up a bit more, I need to get my id and passport, and I need to make arrangements for my kids and everything else. When I get there, I will kiss him. As D said, “experience the kiss that never was.” And he will take me to see Highland Coos! I hope that by visiting, we’ll at least get to see if there’s something there. If there’s nothing there, at least we would know and be able to move on (not that I think that’s what would happen) and if there is something there, like I think there is, then we can talk about what to do from there. There’s no rush to start a relationship as we both need our time alone to rebuild who we are individually. But I don’t think it would hurt to see where we’re at. Having something that I’m so close to being able to grasp makes me feel light and giddy. I can’t wait to see him!

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Longing to Hear You…

I was really looking forward to talking with you today, but I couldn’t reach you. I filled my time with my work and my kids and cleaning and all those fun things that I get to do every day, but now that the day is coming to an end and the kids are slowing down, I’m really missing you. I hope we get to talk soon. I have so much I want to tell you, and I’m curious about what’s been going on in your life, too.

We’re having a rainy day here. Fall is arriving quickly. It’s my favorite time of year, but it always makes me feel a little sad. This is the time of the year when everything seems to really speed up, and before I know it, the year will be over. I’m having a more difficult time with getting older than I ever thought I would. There are so many things that I have put off because I have always felt as though I still had plenty of time left. I know I still do, but there are some things that I put off that it really is too late for. I’m scared that a life with you is one of those things, or will be one of those things if I don’t figure my life out soon. I have so much work to do in comparison to how little time is really left.

I hope we get to talk soon. I’m longing to hear your sweet voice.

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