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Archive for June, 2010

Taking Over Me

Years ago, when I first got in contact with D again after high school, he told me that the song Taking Over Me by Evanescence reminded him of me. Now, all these years later, as I sit here listening to it, I understand what he must have felt so long ago. We talked on the phone this morning, and it was nice to hear his voice again. The mother of his baby doesn’t want us having contact, though. I can completely understand where she’s coming from. I just wish she didn’t feel that way. I feel like I’m going to completely lose him for the last time. As long as he’s happy, though, I can accept that, I think.

It was hard hearing how badly things had gone for D and his girlfriend. I so badly wanted to comfort him. I want to be the person he wants. I want to take care of him the way a woman should take care of a man. I understand that, as in my marriage also, they were both causing the problems. They both did things wrong and both have a lot to be sorry for. That being said, I wish I could show him how it feels to be honored and respected… loved and cherished… to have someone who lives for creating a happy life for him. I hope one day, he finds himself living that life, regardless of who it’s with. He deserves it, whether he believes that or not.

So, that puts me down to two options. Stay with L or move on alone. It’s still going to take some serious thought, and some time. For now, I’ll continue trying my hardest to keep this marriage going. If L continues to treat us the way he has been the past few days, I could see how I may be able to regain that feeling of love with him. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to handle another slip of L’s anger. I’m terrified I’ll finally let my guard down again, and he’ll go into one of his rages, and I don’t think the kids and I would ever be the same. We’ve had so much safety for so long now, over half a year! The kids have gone from being withdrawn and scared all the time, to being their own people. My daughter doesn’t take most of the day to warm up to familiar people. My son doesn’t cry when he sees his daddy. I still see my daughter emulating L when she gets angry, though. She makes the same face he makes and usually lashes out at whatever is near. It scares me that she learned that at such a young age. I don’t know how to get her to express her anger in a less violent way.

I feel as though I made the wrong choice all those years ago and no matter what happens now, I’ll never get that second chance at happiness.

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So, L and I have spent the past few days not really ignoring the issue, but taking time apart to process it. I mentioned today that I need to call D tonight, and L got really down. We finally took some time to talk. L said that he’s not angry at anyone but himself. I’m glad for that. He’s been trying really hard the past few days to control himself and to treat us with kindness and respect. That is something he hasn’t done at all with the kids and not with me in the past 4 years. It’s been nice, but I’m finding that I just don’t feel anything anymore.

L told me that even when he’s holding me or kissing me, he feels as though he’s already lost me. He knows I’m not really there anymore. I told him that I want to be madly¬† in love with him still and that I don’t want to tear our family apart, but I just don’t know how to get back to feeling that way about him. I’m really struggling with wanting to move on and make a better life for myself and my kids and doing what’s morally right and sticking through all this with L.

I honestly wish I didn’t have to make any decision at all. I wish there was no need for a decision to be made. I still have a lot of thinking to do, obviously. How do I know what’s right?

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Out of the Blue

Half of L’s office was laid off today. The other half were told to start looking for new jobs in case things don’t pick back up. L still has his job, but for how much longer? He’s feeling pretty overwhelmed by everything that’s been going on lately. I’m trying to be supportive, but my heart just isn’t there. I feel very sad that everything is crashing down around him, but I’m having trouble being there for him right now. He’ll be here after work for a bit to have dinner and tuck the kids in before he goes to his house. I’ll cook him a good dinner tonight.

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Whenever I hear your voice…

L is making a great last ditch effort. He asked me flat out what he needs to do to win us back. Honestly, I don’t know anymore. What’s the point? How long will the efforts remain in effect? I don’t mean to sound like a pessimist, but how many times have we gone through this? What makes this time any different than all the others?

I talked to D on the phone this morning. My heart aches to be with him. He was on his way out, though, so we didn’t really get a chance to chat. I want to be the one that gets to kiss away his tears, and celebrate the amazing man that he is. I want to be there to love him unconditionally, I want to hold him and be held by him. I want to wake up in the morning and see his face. I want to lie next to him, wrapped in his arms with my head on his chest…listening to the cadence of his heart. I want to know what his lips feel like on mine. Why did we never have that chance? Why can’t I build a life with him? Is it possible that our chance came and went? Or is there still hope?

I’m back off to bed so I can get a bit more sleep before the kids get up. If you are reading this, anyone, please tell me what you would do.

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L and I talked about our options. He said he never saw this coming. Now, it’s not as though I’ve been silently waiting for him to change. I have been telling him for years that I was miserable and we needed to work on things and I didn’t know how much more I could take being with him. His own dad told him he was on the verge of losing us. We’ve been separated for months now and there’s been no real change. I just can’t see how he didn’t hear me.

He did tell me that if I were to leave the country, he would fight for the kids. I can understand that. What I can’t understand is that the only reason he wants to fight for the kids is to keep us away from D. He told me that for as much as I love D, he hates him. He hates him simply because I love him. Again, I understand, but I don’t know what he wants me to do. I haven’t talked to D about *any* of this. All he knows is that L and I are having problems, but nothing more. Absolutely nothing. The poor guy is innocent in all of this. He’s in the UK blissfully unaware and trying to raise his own son.

The only backboard I have for sounding off on this right now is this blog. I have no clue what I’m doing. I don’t thrive on churning up drama in my own life. I usually try to stay as far away from it as possible. I have tried to be a patient, obedient wife. I have tried changing myself and just dealing with being so miserable.

I’ve been talking a bit with L while I’ve been writing this. He always talks more openly through IM. I’m more of a face-to-face person, but I’ll take what I can get. I’m realizing that I obviously need more time to sort through my own feelings. I also realize that this kind of has nothing to do with D. I mean, that’s part of my reason for not wanting to wait for L to decide we’re a priority in his life, but really, I think I would be making this decision with or without my love for D. I just hope that we can all, eventually, find happiness.

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Fork in the path

The other night, I told L that I was still in love with D and would probably always be. I told him, however, that I had married him and would do what was right by him. I asked him how to turn off my feelings for D and he said that he had been in love with his ex for quite a while and that he had just embittered his heart toward her until he hated her. I could never hate D, nor would I want to allow that kind of negativity into my heart.

Anyhow, L has been terrorizing us for the past couple days. I know it’s my fault. What right did I have to tell him that? It was stupid and selfish and I know I’m a horrible person… but, I just can’t see living like this any longer. I’m so tired of always wondering if we’re going to say or do the wrong thing. And it’s not like there’s any real consistency to it. We never know what the wrong thing actually is. One day it could be for talking, the next, it could be for being too quiet. What kind of home is this for the kids if they never know what’s truly right and wrong? When there’s a double standard that I can’t even explain?

I finally got L to talk to me this morning. He said that he wanted to kill D. I can understand where he’s coming from. He said I never tried to stop loving D. I dunno, maybe that’s right, but I’ve been torn in pieces for so long now. I never wanted to hurt L. I never wanted any of this. How much of this is solely my doing? After quite a bit of him yelling, and me listening, he told me to do whatever I want. He thinks I always have. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have stuck through all the emotional torment for so long. We’ve been together for 10 years, and it started after about 4, so, there you go.

If I could go to the UK, how would I get there? Is it really an option? I don’t even know if D would even have me. It doesn’t really matter. I think, honestly, that it’s time for the kids and I to move on. I can’t see this relationship ever truly being a happy one. I’ve felt as though I’ve been carrying it for so long, and I do love L, but I don’t feel loved *by* L. Well, I have this apartment until October. That gives me a little bit of time, but not much. Today, I will work through some of what I’m feeling. And get some work done… we’ll see what tomorrow holds.

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In the beginning…

When I was a senior in High School (more than a decade ago), I met a guy. We’ll call him D… we met through one of D’s friends. I had a crush on the friend, and he wouldn’t date me because D was his best friend and D, apparently, was “in love” with me. D followed me everywhere and I got to know him pretty well. He had the most beautiful heart I have ever known. I don’t remember much from my high school years. It was a very dark time in my life. I was severely depressed and institutionalized several times. At about the time I met D, I was going through my hardest times. I knew I was in love with him, but things never seemed to work out right.

There were a few dates. His dad would drive us to the movies. One time, we realized we weren’t going to be able to get in to see the movie we wanted to see because we were too young. His dad bought us the tickets and left. It was really sweet. I don’t remember what movies we saw. This isn’t really surprising. I never remember anything about movies. Every time I see a movie, it’s like I’m seeing it for the first time. One of the times we were at the movies, we were holding hands. I asked D if I could kiss him (very forward, I know), and he said yes. As I leaned in to kiss him, he pulled back and said he couldn’t. I was, of course, humiliated. I still don’t know why that happened. I don’t know what he was thinking, and honestly, it doesn’t matter. It happened, and it was just the start of constant near misses.

Shortly after that, we went bowling with some friends. We were celebrating a friend’s birthday, and I can’t bowl to save my life. I’m honestly really lucky if I can break a 30! D, on the other hand, is actually pretty good. I don’t remember how he was doing that night, but I was feeling rather flirtatious. I told him that if he could get a strike on his next go, I’d kiss him. I didn’t think he would actually get one. I wanted him to, but I also started to get really nervous as he went up for his turn. What would I do if he got a strike, and I went to kiss him and he turned me down again? I couldn’t go through that in front of all our friends. I watched him release the bowling ball, and it was like slow-motion. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a ball go so perfectly down the lane. As he made his strike, I ran off to the bathroom. I really couldn’t tell you what I was thinking, and I regret it horribly to this day. Ok, so now we’ve both done it. It sucks, but we continue to be friends.

I ended up having a pretty serious melt-down and went back into the institution. After a few weeks in, there was no way for me to graduate high school on time. And, there was no way I was going to get stuck in school for 5 years! So, I made the decision, with 2 months left of my senior year, to go to a secondary high school. I already had a few friends that went there, so I was looking forward to seeing them again. I was insanely sad that I wasn’t going to get to see D anymore at school, but I figured we would still hang out. We never really talked again, though. I don’t know what happened on his end. I got into drugs and drinking. I graduated on time, without much effort. I met someone at my new school.

After graduation, I got engaged to the new someone. We’ll call him A. We moved in together. Things were alright with A at first. He was incredibly intelligent and really witty. Unfortunately, he didn’t seem to think the same of me. I felt like I was always trying to prove my intelligence with him, and no matter how hard I tried, I was never going to cut it with him. I was always thinking about D and how he never seemed to think that there was a single thing wrong with me. He really had the most gentle soul and I tried hard to find him again, but I didn’t have a number for him and none of my friends knew where he was. I even went back to the old high school that we had attended together and asked someone in the office and they told me that he had moved back to the UK. I was crushed, but it had already been a couple years since I had seen him last.

‘A’ ended up moving with his job to another state, and I was going to follow him out there once I was done with trade school. The distance between us, and the freedom I suddenly had, cleared my head a bit, and I realized how miserable I was with him. We never really got along. Everybody always told us to stop bickering. Looking back, I realize that was all we did. At the same time, I met someone at school. We’ll call him L. L was incredibly polite. He was very charming and would listen to me talk for hours. He was everything I needed at that moment in my life. We became best friends. Everyone at school told us to just go out and get it over with. We finally did. I want to say right now, I love L. I have never been able to get D from my mind, though. I searched and searched over the years and always came up empty handed. I kept moving forward with my life. I felt like I could find a way to be happy with L. My biggest fear has always been that I would be alone. I didn’t think there would ever be a chance at me finding D again, and like I said, L was my best friend, and I love him dearly.

L and I had our ups and downs and after about 3.5 years, and a big move to another state, we got married. I had told him all about D over the years, and he didn’t seem to care one way or the other. I probably never really expressed my true feelings, though. I don’t remember exactly how long after we were married it happened, but I know it wasn’t long at all. I want to say a week, but it could have been a month… no longer than that, though, I’m sure. I was talking to a friend from high school, and I asked him about D. My heart dropped into my stomach when he said he could get me in touch with him. I still remember how insanely giddy I felt as I talked to D for the first time in 5 years! I had butterflies in my stomach and my whole world was spinning. He was in the states, and he was doing pretty well. Then I told him I was just married, and I swear I could hear the shatter of our hearts collectively. How could it have been that the man I had been searching for and so head-over-heels in love with was so close, in love with me, and yet so desperately out of reach?!

I confessed to my husband how I was feeling and D and I talked about what to do with our lives… after about a month, I think, we lost contact. I was (still am, really) a new Christian, and I wanted to live my life as right with God as possible. I decided that I needed to do everything I could to uphold the vows I had made before God to love, respect, and honor my husband. D and I talked a few times over the years after I made that decision, and he completely understood. Every time I talked to him, my heart ached, but it was my own fault. I tried so hard to let go of him, but just when I would think I might actually be able to, I’d have a dream about him, or something would happen that made me think of him, and I would be back at square one.

L and I have had our problems over the years, of course. All couples do. L has always LOVED video games. It was fun when we were young, but for years now, I have felt as though I come second to them. He will spend entire evenings after work playing games. It wouldn’t be so bad if he were able to multitask and carry on a conversation with me at the same time, but that never works out. For a while, I tried to meet him in his world and I would play the games with him, but by that time, we had our first child, and I couldn’t figure out how to take care of her and play a game at the same time. We now have two kids and two WoW subscriptions. I play occasionally with him, but I don’t enjoy any moment of it. I feel more lonely when L is home than I do when I am here alone.

We have tried counseling together, we have tried counseling separately. L had tried to give up games, but it was always replaced with movies or anime series or extended trips to the bathroom with a good book. And when he doesn’t have any of those things, he sleeps. A lot. And loudly. We can be in the middle of talking, and he’ll just close his eyes and go to sleep. He can stay awake just fine if he is playing a game or watching tv or anything else. So, needless to say, I’ve been pretty much alone for years.

After our kids were born, L became a very angry person. I’m not entirely sure what happened, but we were always walking around on egg shells. We never knew what would set him off. There were days he would seem just fine at work, but the moment he set foot inside the door, he was screaming and throwing things. He slammed the door so hard one time, he actually broke the hinge in half. He punched a hole in the wall in front of me and our daughter while I was pregnant. He walked out several times saying he wasn’t going to come back. I always felt relieved and terrified. He always came back. We would go to church, and he would be screaming at us on the way and flipping people off and we’d pull into the church parking lot, and it was like he was a completely different person suddenly. We would walk into the building, and he would be all smiles and holding hands with us and all kinds of happy and loving. I never thought anyone would ever believe how much he terrorized us when we were alone. I would actually start to feel safe, and as though things were really going to be alright. We would go out to lunch after church, and all the waitresses would fight over who got us at their table. We were everyone’s favorite family. I have OCD, and I am obsessed with being perfect. Not because I want to be better than everyone else, but because I feel as though that’s the only way I can even come close to being as good as everyone else. So, I went along with it. I pretended we were the perfect, happy family. L, me, our daughter and our son. The family everyone dreams of. Then we would get in the car, and on the way home, I would dream of what life might have been like had I ended up with D instead. Don’t get me wrong, I would never want to take back the past decade of my life. I love my children with all that I am.

L’s anger kept getting worse. I finally started confiding in someone from church. An amazing woman. She’s a mother of 8 children and her and her husband very quickly adopted L and the kids and myself into their family. At first, she wasn’t sure she could believe what I was saying about L. He always had such a happy demeanor around the rest of the world, but she had been spending a lot of time with my daughter, and was seeing the effects of L’s anger on her. She was taking more and more time to come out of her shell when L would drop her off. She said that there were a few times she would be watching L and our daughter walking up to the front door through a window, and L would be dragging her along and have a look of extreme rage on his face, but by the time she opened the front door, he was all smiles and laughs. My poor little girl would actually be relieved when L would leave for work.

When L had a huge outburst at home one night, he told our daughter (just 3, at the time) that she needed to go on time-out. I don’t remember why, but it never had to be anything serious. None of us were even allowed to talk much by that time, so she could have just said something to me or her brother, and L would send her off to time-out. She was crying because she didn’t want to go, and I was pleading with her to just go, and L picked her up by the outsides of her arms and held her up against the wall over his head and screamed at her that he just wanted a good child. He tossed her down on the bed and left. My surrogate mom and I started planning an escape. Her husband was working with L to keep him accountable and we were all working together to try to get things back on the right track. Unfortunately, we were the only ones doing the work.

Thanksgiving morning, we were getting ready to go with our new family (I should give them names, too. It would just be easier. We’ll call her R and him P) to a big family gathering. When they adopted us in to their family, the entire extended family did, too. They are really just awesome people like that! Anyhow, I needed to get in the shower, and our son was just a year old, so still pretty much a baby. I asked L to watch him while I jumped into the shower, and our son started crying instantly. He hated being with L. If he even thought L was going to touch him, he would start crying. So, I’m about to get in the shower and L and our son and daughter are in the bedroom getting ready, and I poke my head out to make sure L is going to be ok with the kids for the 10 minutes I need, and I see L throw our boy down on the bed and put his hand over our son’s mouth. I knew that he knew when babies cry, trying to get them to stop by putting your hand over their mouths, could kill them. So I yelled at him to stop. He turned and looked at me in a way I don’t even know how to describe. I have never seen the kind of anger and rage that I saw in him at that moment. I literally froze in my tracks. I knew that if I took one more step toward him or said one more word to him, it would all be over. I just didn’t know what over really meant, so I backed away and got in the shower. I was terrified of what I would find when I got out, but I didn’t know what else to do. L was literally blocking our only way out, so I decided to risk it. I took the fastest shower I could and got out to find that L had gotten both the kids dressed and ready and was pretty much ready to go. He was acting like nothing ever happened. I went with it. I got ready in record time, and we left.

When we got to the big family dinner, L was back to his usual Hollywood self. When I saw P and he gave me a huge hug and asked how things were going, I broke down and told him I couldn’t do it anymore. We left the party for a bit… the four of us, and I went on and on about what happened. L tried to deny the severity of it, but he sounded ridiculous and P and R didn’t believe him. When they asked L if he still loved us and wanted to save our marriage, he thought about it for quite a while before saying yes. He wasn’t willing to talk anymore than that, though. P called him on not being willing to communicate, but it didn’t really make a difference. We decided that when one of their kids moved out of their house on December 1st, the kids and I would move in with them. So, on December 2nd, we separated.

We set up pretty specific goals for L to work on, and goals for me to work on. L was supposed to get the car fixed, get the house fixed (I forgot to mention that L kept putting off fixing our floor and I ended up falling through it), and get himself into anger management. It was supposed to be a 30 day thing. We never expected to solve everything in 30 days, but we had hoped to at least be on the right path by then. On March 1st, none of those things had happened, so the kids and I moved into an apartment so our friends could have their space back. Here we are now… mid-June, and L still hasn’t done any of those things. In that time, I have secured a home for myself and my children, started a business, and waited patiently for L to decide he actually wants us. I’ve been reading books about being a better wife and mother… how to repair a marriage alone, and anything else I can get my hands on. How much longer am I supposed to wait? Am I supposed to live the rest of my life with a man that one minute is here but not present and the next is terrorizing me and my kids? Or do I walk away and leave it all behind? What would God want me to do? L hasn’t cheated on me with another woman, so I don’t have grounds for a divorce. On the other hand, what good is a marriage where everything comes before the wife and kids? It’s not like he’s a work-a-holic and we never see him. He’s here a lot. He just isn’t here mentally or emotionally. I feel as though I am a better person without him.

If I could be selfish and have it however I wanted it, without any consequences, I would take the kids and run off to the UK to be with D. I know that when you leave a relationship for another relationship, you bring all your problems with you, but at least I would be done with living in stagnant waters.

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