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Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Life has just been. I haven’t felt the need to process my thoughts like this for quite some time. Lately, I’ve been feeling unheard. I just don’t know what L expects me to do when my mind starts racing. If I even try to talk to him, he treats me as though I’m being totally unfair to him. I’m not putting his needs before mine. Who’s going to even consider my needs if I don’t put mine first when I’m about to crash?! Why is listening to what I have to say, what I’m feeling, so detrimental to his well-being?

I’m so tired of even trying. Why do I struggle so much to be someone he wants when I don’t even want him? Why am I so terrified to be on my own? When did I become such a coward? And how do I get over it when I have two kids to protect? I don’t want them to grow up to be like me, but I also don’t want them to grow up without a father like I did.

How did I end up with someone that cares so little about anything?! When I met L, he seemed so right. He listened to everything I had to say, he was so gentle, he cared so much for others, he worked hard,but loved to play, too. He was everything I wanted. Looking back, I can see that there were some warning signs about his anger, but I never could have imagined how bad it could get. And now, he’s nothing that I fell in love with.

Recently, L’s job cut him back to 20 hours a week and asked that he telecommutes. He’s now home all day, every day. He plays WoW from the time he gets up in the morning until the time he goes to bed at night. He hates being disturbed. He takes breaks to cook or run to the store, but that’s it. He sleeps a couple hours at night, and after a few days of almost no sleep, complains that he’s always tired. If I even think to suggest it’s from all the late nights of gaming, he jumps down my throat. It’s rare that I make the mistake of talking to him about anything, anyway, though. He doesn’t want to hear it, if I speak my mind, it will either fall on deaf ears or piss him off. What am I supposed to do? I need someone I can talk to. I need someone to hear me. I feel like I’m drowning and he’s just content to hold my head under.

On another note, I had a dream about D last night. Not really surprising. He’s always on my mind. I don’t know how he got himself ingrained so deep. In my dream, he asked me to say goodbye and walk away forever. He gave me a single kiss, and I did as he asked. When I woke up, I felt so desperately alone. Not only was it one of the most depressing dreams ever, I woke up in a big, empty bed.  “When you’re dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part.”

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Am I such utter crap that I don’t even deserve a “fuck off?” And to think, that was the only thing I asked of you…

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At this point, what I really needed from you was the same patience and understanding I’ve given you. I told you that something major was going on in my life, and you were upset that I couldn’t tell you about it. I needed you to simply understand that it’s because my heart is shattered right now. I have fucked up my life, and I’m terrified that I’ll never be good enough to have my kids. I needed patience. I only told you that something was going on so you wouldn’t think I was ignoring you, or distancing myself from you. I wasn’t wanting to hurt you or tell you you were the only person I couldn’t tell about this. Honestly, you’re the only person I *want* to tell. I want you to know that I fail at life just as much as anyone else. I want you to know that I can trust you with even the most embarrassing, heart breaking aspects of my life. I simply needed to stay focused on cleaning, you didn’t have time to talk, and I didn’t want to break down into a sobbing mess again. I have almost no time left to get this done, and the pressure is really weighing on me right now.

You think I put this blog out there for everyone to see, but no one knows who I am. L knows I blog, but he doesn’t know where and he doesn’t want to read it, ever. I have only shared this blog with one person in my life, and that’s you. You are the only person that truly knows the depths of my heartache. I hope you can forgive me, and I hope that you don’t really think any less of me. I hope you can understand that the pain from this is paralyzing when I really think about it, and at this moment, I simply cannot allow myself to become paralyzed.

I want you to know that no matter what, I love you. My love is unconditional. I am not mad. I am a little hurt and really worried about you, but I will heal and move past that. I hope you can, too. And no, my image of you still has not shattered.

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I must have misplaced it at some point…

How am I supposed to deal with the pain? I’m finding it harder and harder to choke back the tears. Loving you so impossibly, knowing your love for me, but not knowing if I’ll ever look into your eyes or feel your arms around me, it’s more than I can handle. I want to be working toward a life with you. I want to visit you and get to know you. I want to make plans for a future together. Everything is going to take so long anyway!

I want to have a life where I get to kiss you good night, and when I wake up in the morning, I fall in love with you all over again. I have gone over all the options life has laid out before me, and I know it’s you I want to be with. Yes, I’m scared, I have so much to lose, but when I think about life without ever taking the chance, I can’t see it ending up where I want it to take me.

Have we missed our chance? Suddenly, that question doesn’t make sense. We have a chance, we just have to decide to take it. Will we be faced with challenges? Of course! Is it worth the risk? For me, it is. What is it that’s got you so scared? We can’t figure it out if you don’t tell me.

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I long to be yours… the more I get to know you the harder it is to be apart from you. When I asked you what your favorite memory of us was and you said when we were at the movies and I was yours, my heart melted. I’m starting to think that you can’t possibly be human. How can you be real? I want you to know, my heart has always been yours. I don’t take the words “I love you” lightly. It’s not something I say to many people. I reserve it for the people in my life that mean the most to me. While I may care deeply for people in general, that specific phrase is something I feel should have a lot of meaning. Those words seem so trivial in comparison to the depth of the feelings I have for you.

Thank you for sharing even the bit of your life you do with me. I look forward to our talks each afternoon. I hope one day to be able to greet you at the door when you get home from work and lay in your arms as you tell me about your day. I want to create a place you can really call home. Somewhere you can forget about all your worries and just know that you are loved and cherished. I know that no relationship is without its struggles, and I promise that I will always respect you and guard your heart in a disagreement. I want to do the things that will bring you pleasure. The small things that will remind you of your worth, your value, and of just how incredible you are.

I am yours. Will you be mine?

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Where will we be? I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’m basically tearing two families apart. I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard so suddenly. What am I doing? Why has this man never left my thoughts? How did he become so imprinted in my being that I just can’t let go?! The more we talk, the more I wonder if I would ever be enough for him. Can I really fulfill his needs? I don’t even know what those needs are. Am I just going to end up another annoyance in his life? He doesn’t seem to think he is capable of ever truly being happy, so what kind of role would I be playing in his life? And what kind of effect would that have on me? I’m the kind of person that loves to laugh, finds joy in the simplest of things, and even in the worst of times, I find things to be happy about. I am, however, really susceptible to depression. That’s one of the things that has made it so hard to be with L. He’s such a negative person, that after 10 years (almost 11, now) with him, I find his negative outlook on life encroaching upon my optimism. I find it hard to deal with daily aggravations that I never had a problem with before, but dealing with L has left me so drained of patience and left so many bad thoughts in my head that I just don’t have the strength to fight it anymore.

D never really struck me as a pessimist, he says he’s a realist, but where’s the line between the two? It seems both views leave you feeling as though you have no control of your own life. They both seem to expect that the worst is going to happen and there’s nothing you can do about it. I know that life can never go off without a hitch, but I do believe that it’s possible to make the best of even the worst situations.

I opened mt blinds today to let some light in, and instead it was gray and windy. It’s amazing, though, I get to sit here and watch this storm roll in, I have a perfect view, between the trees, of the silver lining in the clouds. It’s perfectly framed, just for me, and so perfectly resembles who I am. As the rain picks up, there’s a shower of leaves and pine needles. Yet, it’s always so easy for me to find the beauty and serenity in even the wildest of life’s storms.

I still feel 100% sure that D is who I want to be with. I just hope that he really wants to be with me, and that we can share a true happiness in life. Otherwise, what’s the point?

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Brain Cyclone

I’ve been staring at a blank post form for a few days now. I have so much swirling around in my head that I don’t know how to put words to. The constant concentration it takes to focus outwardly instead of being swept up by the spiral of emotions is giving me a migraine. I can’t even remember the last time I slept longer than an hour at a time. I lie awake in bed not even realizing I am awake and that time is rushing on without me.

For almost 3 weeks, I couldn’t get ahold of D. At first, I was sad. Then I became worried. I worried that something had happened to him and there would be no way for me to know. And I worried I had run him off. It happens to me all the time, so it never actually surprises me when that happens. I suppose it’s all just part of being socially inept… I ended up having a dream about D. Just that we finally got to talk. For whatever reason, I found peace with that and was able to cope. Not just cope, but find contentment in my daily life. Don’t get me wrong, D is always on my mind, but I guess dreams were all I had of him for so long that it was enough to allow me to get by.

A few days after I had the dream, D answered his phone when I called him. It was amazing to hear his voice again. So, now, I’ve talked to him three nights in a row. We’ve talked more than ever before, really, and have talked a bit more in depth about us. The confusion that’s creating is really taking its toll on my emotions. The hope I feel when he says that he wants me to be there, and the despair that takes over when he talks about not knowing if he can handle me and my kids… not knowing if there’s anything to work toward leaves me feeling completely lost. I honestly don’t even know if I would ever be enough for him. I want to be able to lay it all out there and figure out what my next step is. I am working really hard at being patient, but it’s hard when I don’t even know what I’m waiting for.

My mind is racing for the finish line, but it can’t seem to get out of this loop. I think I need to be reset.

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