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Posts Tagged ‘hopes and dreams’

I must have misplaced it at some point…

How am I supposed to deal with the pain? I’m finding it harder and harder to choke back the tears. Loving you so impossibly, knowing your love for me, but not knowing if I’ll ever look into your eyes or feel your arms around me, it’s more than I can handle. I want to be working toward a life with you. I want to visit you and get to know you. I want to make plans for a future together. Everything is going to take so long anyway!

I want to have a life where I get to kiss you good night, and when I wake up in the morning, I fall in love with you all over again. I have gone over all the options life has laid out before me, and I know it’s you I want to be with. Yes, I’m scared, I have so much to lose, but when I think about life without ever taking the chance, I can’t see it ending up where I want it to take me.

Have we missed our chance? Suddenly, that question doesn’t make sense. We have a chance, we just have to decide to take it. Will we be faced with challenges? Of course! Is it worth the risk? For me, it is. What is it that’s got you so scared? We can’t figure it out if you don’t tell me.

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I long to be yours… the more I get to know you the harder it is to be apart from you. When I asked you what your favorite memory of us was and you said when we were at the movies and I was yours, my heart melted. I’m starting to think that you can’t possibly be human. How can you be real? I want you to know, my heart has always been yours. I don’t take the words “I love you” lightly. It’s not something I say to many people. I reserve it for the people in my life that mean the most to me. While I may care deeply for people in general, that specific phrase is something I feel should have a lot of meaning. Those words seem so trivial in comparison to the depth of the feelings I have for you.

Thank you for sharing even the bit of your life you do with me. I look forward to our talks each afternoon. I hope one day to be able to greet you at the door when you get home from work and lay in your arms as you tell me about your day. I want to create a place you can really call home. Somewhere you can forget about all your worries and just know that you are loved and cherished. I know that no relationship is without its struggles, and I promise that I will always respect you and guard your heart in a disagreement. I want to do the things that will bring you pleasure. The small things that will remind you of your worth, your value, and of just how incredible you are.

I am yours. Will you be mine?

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Where will we be? I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’m basically tearing two families apart. I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard so suddenly. What am I doing? Why has this man never left my thoughts? How did he become so imprinted in my being that I just can’t let go?! The more we talk, the more I wonder if I would ever be enough for him. Can I really fulfill his needs? I don’t even know what those needs are. Am I just going to end up another annoyance in his life? He doesn’t seem to think he is capable of ever truly being happy, so what kind of role would I be playing in his life? And what kind of effect would that have on me? I’m the kind of person that loves to laugh, finds joy in the simplest of things, and even in the worst of times, I find things to be happy about. I am, however, really susceptible to depression. That’s one of the things that has made it so hard to be with L. He’s such a negative person, that after 10 years (almost 11, now) with him, I find his negative outlook on life encroaching upon my optimism. I find it hard to deal with daily aggravations that I never had a problem with before, but dealing with L has left me so drained of patience and left so many bad thoughts in my head that I just don’t have the strength to fight it anymore.

D never really struck me as a pessimist, he says he’s a realist, but where’s the line between the two? It seems both views leave you feeling as though you have no control of your own life. They both seem to expect that the worst is going to happen and there’s nothing you can do about it. I know that life can never go off without a hitch, but I do believe that it’s possible to make the best of even the worst situations.

I opened mt blinds today to let some light in, and instead it was gray and windy. It’s amazing, though, I get to sit here and watch this storm roll in, I have a perfect view, between the trees, of the silver lining in the clouds. It’s perfectly framed, just for me, and so perfectly resembles who I am. As the rain picks up, there’s a shower of leaves and pine needles. Yet, it’s always so easy for me to find the beauty and serenity in even the wildest of life’s storms.

I still feel 100% sure that D is who I want to be with. I just hope that he really wants to be with me, and that we can share a true happiness in life. Otherwise, what’s the point?

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I talked to D on the phone a bit ago. It seemed like forever since we last talked. It’s always so amazing to hear his voice. I get so lost in the sound, it’s like nothing else exists. I have to admit, though, I had a hard time not crying when he said that at the rate it’s going, I may never see him. If he goes into the army there in February, who knows when I would be able to… so… I just have to work harder at gathering the funds before then. Then real question, though, if I can, does he actually want to see me? I keep getting the feeling that he doesn’t. I don’t even know how to explain the feeling. Like, he says he would like for me to go over there, but his answer is always so ephemeral, so elusive. I can’t get him to tell me if there would be a good time so I can try to plan accordingly.

L has been getting more and more down the past couple days. He seemed like he was doing ok for a while, but now he’s back to snapping at all of us constantly and rarely speaking to me at all. I don’t expect anything more than that, but it’s hard to watch and hard to tolerate. I’m having trouble finding the courage to step in and redirect his anger when he’s yelling at the kids. He’s back to being a bit too rough with them and playing the emotional mind games with all of us. I’ve always been scared to stand up to him, but now that everything is out in the open and our relationship is over, I feel as though I have no right. Of course, I can rationalize that I’m just being silly. I have every right to protect my kids, but I hate seeing him go into a rage. I never know what he’s going to do. He keeps placing everything on my shoulders. I know that I deserve the blame, but he has told me that he just needs hope and happiness and having me back is the only way he’ll have that. He’s using his unhappiness as an excuse to be horrible to us again, and placing the blame for his actions on my shoulders.

I’m feeling like the happiness I’m trying to cling to is slowly slipping away. Not because I’m tying my happiness to anything specifically, but I just know that things are going to get a lot worse before they can get better, and I’m in such a fragile state right now. I’m trying to overcome so much and I’m in so much pain as it is, and going through so many life changing events all at the same time, I just don’t know how I’d ever be able to make it though unscathed. I guess that’s kind of the point, though. It’s how life shapes us. I just wish I had some sort of respite from all of this. I need my own little hiding place where I can go and be an outsider in my own life for a while and rebuild the strength I need to face what is coming next… whatever that may be.

Even with all of that, I’m finding this seed of peace growing in me. I’m finding strength in the fact that everything going on right now is an opportunity to create a life I’m content with. And, oddly enough, I am just so incredibly happy for D that he is truly enjoying and claiming his freedom. I know he feels his own happiness is elusive and a long way off, but he seems like he’s on the right path. I pray our paths join one day. When all is said and done, though, no matter what, I am better for knowing him.

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So, yay! I got to talk to D this afternoon! It was so good to hear his voice! He sounded tired, but less like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. I’m happy for him that he’s finding room to breathe in life. I totally understand that feeling… that need. That being said, D, when you called me an “old friend” and I asked if that was all I was to you, I didn’t mean for it to sound quite how it did. I don’t expect anything more than that, but it sounded so common and ordinary. Like, there should be a better way to describe the kind of friendship we have without having to change the dynamic of it. I can’t think of any words that can describe it, though. I am happy simply being your old friend, and loving you.

Earlier today, I came across this article. I’ve been doing a lot of research into the idea of lost love, and I find it interesting that it truly is like an addiction. I can see how I have days where I struggle to get through because I can’t get my mind off D. I have some days, like today, where I’m a bit more lucid and can take a step back and look at things a bit more rationally. Unfortunately, those days are pretty rare. I need to allow myself to think about him, but I also need to have a plan set for myself so I don’t keep getting lost in those thoughts. I don’t want to jeopardize the possibility of a future with him by jumping off the deep end.

So, what’s my plan? Allow the thoughts and hopes and dreams to come, to have their place in my heart and in my head… instead of being consumed by them, though, I will find something else to do. I will sit and play with my kids, work on my business or read a book. I need to be finding joy and contentment in the ordinary things I’ve always found them in. I know I’ll still have good days and bad, but I need to get back to a place where the good days outweigh the bad again. I know he needs his time, and I respect and appreciate that about him. I don’t mind waiting, at all. I enjoy just building a friendship with him. I won’t lose hope that one day, he will be ready, and we can move forward, but I need to also create a life for myself and my kids that won’t be devastated by losing him if he decides I am not what he wants after all.

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Like my blog of endless squish really needs another post… I’m finding it really difficult not to walk around wearing a huge grin after talking to D on the phone. It was an amazing phone call. I miss him, I long to be with him, but I feel like it’s alright that I’m not. Like just the sweetness of his loving me is enough for now. I had butterflies, and my breath caught in my lungs just listening to him sigh. When we talk, I feel like we’re the only people in the world. Like all these miles just fade away.

How it is that the most incredible person I’ve ever known can actually love me, too, I just can’t fathom it. I am so grateful that he does, though. He is the love of my life, and I can’t wait to actually have the chance to walk beside him through this life. I know I should feel horrible about my marriage ending with L, but between the lightness of finally gaining my freedom from the misery that was my life, and the magic of the love D and I share, there just isn’t room for sadness in my heart.

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HE LOVES ME! It’s simply amazing to be loved by someone so incredible! I want nothing more than to wrap him in my love and my arms before something else gets the chance to take him away. I think it’s a rare, precious thing to find someone who you are so connected to in this world. I’m sad that we have spent so many years apart, but who knows where we would have ended up. Maybe we both needed the time to become the people we are.

I know that there’s still time ahead of us apart, and there’s no guarantee that we’ll end up together. At the same time, though, it’s exhilarating realizing that we’re closer than ever before to a real chance. I can’t wait to discover what the future has to offer us. I hope that one day it will be D’s face that I see when I open my eyes. To feel the warmth of his skin on my fingertips… and not wake up and feel the pain of losing him to my dreams again.

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