Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘longing’

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Life has just been. I haven’t felt the need to process my thoughts like this for quite some time. Lately, I’ve been feeling unheard. I just don’t know what L expects me to do when my mind starts racing. If I even try to talk to him, he treats me as though I’m being totally unfair to him. I’m not putting his needs before mine. Who’s going to even consider my needs if I don’t put mine first when I’m about to crash?! Why is listening to what I have to say, what I’m feeling, so detrimental to his well-being?

I’m so tired of even trying. Why do I struggle so much to be someone he wants when I don’t even want him? Why am I so terrified to be on my own? When did I become such a coward? And how do I get over it when I have two kids to protect? I don’t want them to grow up to be like me, but I also don’t want them to grow up without a father like I did.

How did I end up with someone that cares so little about anything?! When I met L, he seemed so right. He listened to everything I had to say, he was so gentle, he cared so much for others, he worked hard,but loved to play, too. He was everything I wanted. Looking back, I can see that there were some warning signs about his anger, but I never could have imagined how bad it could get. And now, he’s nothing that I fell in love with.

Recently, L’s job cut him back to 20 hours a week and asked that he telecommutes. He’s now home all day, every day. He plays WoW from the time he gets up in the morning until the time he goes to bed at night. He hates being disturbed. He takes breaks to cook or run to the store, but that’s it. He sleeps a couple hours at night, and after a few days of almost no sleep, complains that he’s always tired. If I even think to suggest it’s from all the late nights of gaming, he jumps down my throat. It’s rare that I make the mistake of talking to him about anything, anyway, though. He doesn’t want to hear it, if I speak my mind, it will either fall on deaf ears or piss him off. What am I supposed to do? I need someone I can talk to. I need someone to hear me. I feel like I’m drowning and he’s just content to hold my head under.

On another note, I had a dream about D last night. Not really surprising. He’s always on my mind. I don’t know how he got himself ingrained so deep. In my dream, he asked me to say goodbye and walk away forever. He gave me a single kiss, and I did as he asked. When I woke up, I felt so desperately alone. Not only was it one of the most depressing dreams ever, I woke up in a big, empty bed.  “When you’re dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part.”

Read Full Post »

I must have misplaced it at some point…

How am I supposed to deal with the pain? I’m finding it harder and harder to choke back the tears. Loving you so impossibly, knowing your love for me, but not knowing if I’ll ever look into your eyes or feel your arms around me, it’s more than I can handle. I want to be working toward a life with you. I want to visit you and get to know you. I want to make plans for a future together. Everything is going to take so long anyway!

I want to have a life where I get to kiss you good night, and when I wake up in the morning, I fall in love with you all over again. I have gone over all the options life has laid out before me, and I know it’s you I want to be with. Yes, I’m scared, I have so much to lose, but when I think about life without ever taking the chance, I can’t see it ending up where I want it to take me.

Have we missed our chance? Suddenly, that question doesn’t make sense. We have a chance, we just have to decide to take it. Will we be faced with challenges? Of course! Is it worth the risk? For me, it is. What is it that’s got you so scared? We can’t figure it out if you don’t tell me.

Read Full Post »

I long to be yours… the more I get to know you the harder it is to be apart from you. When I asked you what your favorite memory of us was and you said when we were at the movies and I was yours, my heart melted. I’m starting to think that you can’t possibly be human. How can you be real? I want you to know, my heart has always been yours. I don’t take the words “I love you” lightly. It’s not something I say to many people. I reserve it for the people in my life that mean the most to me. While I may care deeply for people in general, that specific phrase is something I feel should have a lot of meaning. Those words seem so trivial in comparison to the depth of the feelings I have for you.

Thank you for sharing even the bit of your life you do with me. I look forward to our talks each afternoon. I hope one day to be able to greet you at the door when you get home from work and lay in your arms as you tell me about your day. I want to create a place you can really call home. Somewhere you can forget about all your worries and just know that you are loved and cherished. I know that no relationship is without its struggles, and I promise that I will always respect you and guard your heart in a disagreement. I want to do the things that will bring you pleasure. The small things that will remind you of your worth, your value, and of just how incredible you are.

I am yours. Will you be mine?

Read Full Post »

Brain Cyclone

I’ve been staring at a blank post form for a few days now. I have so much swirling around in my head that I don’t know how to put words to. The constant concentration it takes to focus outwardly instead of being swept up by the spiral of emotions is giving me a migraine. I can’t even remember the last time I slept longer than an hour at a time. I lie awake in bed not even realizing I am awake and that time is rushing on without me.

For almost 3 weeks, I couldn’t get ahold of D. At first, I was sad. Then I became worried. I worried that something had happened to him and there would be no way for me to know. And I worried I had run him off. It happens to me all the time, so it never actually surprises me when that happens. I suppose it’s all just part of being socially inept… I ended up having a dream about D. Just that we finally got to talk. For whatever reason, I found peace with that and was able to cope. Not just cope, but find contentment in my daily life. Don’t get me wrong, D is always on my mind, but I guess dreams were all I had of him for so long that it was enough to allow me to get by.

A few days after I had the dream, D answered his phone when I called him. It was amazing to hear his voice again. So, now, I’ve talked to him three nights in a row. We’ve talked more than ever before, really, and have talked a bit more in depth about us. The confusion that’s creating is really taking its toll on my emotions. The hope I feel when he says that he wants me to be there, and the despair that takes over when he talks about not knowing if he can handle me and my kids… not knowing if there’s anything to work toward leaves me feeling completely lost. I honestly don’t even know if I would ever be enough for him. I want to be able to lay it all out there and figure out what my next step is. I am working really hard at being patient, but it’s hard when I don’t even know what I’m waiting for.

My mind is racing for the finish line, but it can’t seem to get out of this loop. I think I need to be reset.

Read Full Post »

So Far Away

I’ve been going pretty strong for a while now, despite not being able to talk to D. For some reason, tonight, I fell apart. I had trouble coping with my kids antics, I hardly got anything done all day, and I completely ignored my overwhelming list of products that need to be made. That list is what has been keeping me focused elsewhere, but tonight, the kids went to bed and I just sat and watched tv. It was like I couldn’t break the trance. I kept drifting off into thoughts of D. I finally decided I just needed to go to bed. I’m hoping that by getting these thoughts out of my head, I won’t be awake for the next 3 hours trying to force my brain to stop spinning.

The concept of being so close, yet so far, has never made this much sense to me. When I was pregnant, by the very end, it was agony. Those last few weeks, knowing it could be any time now, the fear of the unknown, the impatience of getting to see my baby… that’s how I feel now, except, when I was pregnant, I knew what was coming next. Well, I had some idea of what to expect, I had something to plan for. I don’t know what to plan for now. I don’t want to get my hopes up and plan to move away, but I don’t want to give up my hope, either.

I find myself wondering if certain things are signs from God, or if there really isn’t anything important at all about all the little things that happen in life. It seems like when my sales start picking up and I mentally set the money aside for a trip to Scotland, something comes up and every last penny has to be spent just to survive. Is it God’s way of telling me I’m screwing up my life? Is it God simply being faithful in the midst of my crisis of faith? Or is there nothing more to it than people like my products, I’m selling more, and I suck terribly at handling my finances? I know P and R would tell me it was a mixture of the first two. I don’t really care anymore, though. It’s probably the worst thing I can possibly admit to right now, but the only thing I find myself praying about anymore is that I can just have my chance with D. That my chance hasn’t come and gone. If that was the case, I honestly don’t know how I would ever let the love I have for him go. I haven’t been able to move on in the past 13 years, I haven’t truly been able to love anyone else, how could the rest of my life be any different?

Read Full Post »

I talked to D on the phone a bit ago. It seemed like forever since we last talked. It’s always so amazing to hear his voice. I get so lost in the sound, it’s like nothing else exists. I have to admit, though, I had a hard time not crying when he said that at the rate it’s going, I may never see him. If he goes into the army there in February, who knows when I would be able to… so… I just have to work harder at gathering the funds before then. Then real question, though, if I can, does he actually want to see me? I keep getting the feeling that he doesn’t. I don’t even know how to explain the feeling. Like, he says he would like for me to go over there, but his answer is always so ephemeral, so elusive. I can’t get him to tell me if there would be a good time so I can try to plan accordingly.

L has been getting more and more down the past couple days. He seemed like he was doing ok for a while, but now he’s back to snapping at all of us constantly and rarely speaking to me at all. I don’t expect anything more than that, but it’s hard to watch and hard to tolerate. I’m having trouble finding the courage to step in and redirect his anger when he’s yelling at the kids. He’s back to being a bit too rough with them and playing the emotional mind games with all of us. I’ve always been scared to stand up to him, but now that everything is out in the open and our relationship is over, I feel as though I have no right. Of course, I can rationalize that I’m just being silly. I have every right to protect my kids, but I hate seeing him go into a rage. I never know what he’s going to do. He keeps placing everything on my shoulders. I know that I deserve the blame, but he has told me that he just needs hope and happiness and having me back is the only way he’ll have that. He’s using his unhappiness as an excuse to be horrible to us again, and placing the blame for his actions on my shoulders.

I’m feeling like the happiness I’m trying to cling to is slowly slipping away. Not because I’m tying my happiness to anything specifically, but I just know that things are going to get a lot worse before they can get better, and I’m in such a fragile state right now. I’m trying to overcome so much and I’m in so much pain as it is, and going through so many life changing events all at the same time, I just don’t know how I’d ever be able to make it though unscathed. I guess that’s kind of the point, though. It’s how life shapes us. I just wish I had some sort of respite from all of this. I need my own little hiding place where I can go and be an outsider in my own life for a while and rebuild the strength I need to face what is coming next… whatever that may be.

Even with all of that, I’m finding this seed of peace growing in me. I’m finding strength in the fact that everything going on right now is an opportunity to create a life I’m content with. And, oddly enough, I am just so incredibly happy for D that he is truly enjoying and claiming his freedom. I know he feels his own happiness is elusive and a long way off, but he seems like he’s on the right path. I pray our paths join one day. When all is said and done, though, no matter what, I am better for knowing him.

Read Full Post »

L took me to our local Scottish Pub for dinner tonight. Just the two of us. I’m not sure if he was trying to be nice, or if he was trying to remind me of what I’m longing for. As I write this, I am realizing how self-centered that is. He is in a massive amount of pain right now. As we ate our dinner, L told me that he’s trying to decide where he wants his life to go now, too. He said that he’s been focusing on the hope of winning me back. He has hoped that D would give up, would stop loving me, or would decide that he doesn’t want to be with me, and L would get me back.

After a bit of silence, he confessed that he doesn’t believe that a relationship between D and myself would ever fail. He doesn’t understand how we have loved each other for so long without anything to sustain that love. L told me that he is going to start focusing on where he wants his life to be assuming I will end up in Scotland. He still wants to be a partner in the business, which would make keeping my products in shops here, easier. He said he is also debating whether or not he would want to move to Scotland. I know it’s all way too soon to even be thinking about moving there, but at the same time, it’s a possibility I want to start planning for.

So much for not getting sucked into my endless day dreams of D. The constant barrage of emotions is intolerable. I don’t know how to deal with the highs and lows of the hope, loneliness, sadness for L, overwhelming love, joy… ugh, and so much more! I watch my kids with L… I see how much they love him, and I feel sick about knowing that I’m going to be taking them from that. I’m thankful that he has been so good to us recently, but it would be so much easier if he hadn’t suddenly changed. There’s just so much going on, and I wish I didn’t have to deal with any of it. I want all of this to be behind me so I can move forward. It’s hard being patient when I feel like I’m closer than ever to my true love and yet so incredibly far. My heart aches to be with him.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »