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Denial much?!

It seems like just when I start thinking L realizes that we’ve both contributed to our impending divorce, he proves me wrong! The other day, he was saying that we had both made our choices and are beyond the need for saying “I’m sorry.” I started thinking that maybe he was thinking we were both at fault. Then, today, he was talking about when we started having problems. He said that the problems started when we had that huge fight a while back. Not sure why he thinks that, but I kind of snorted at him thinking he was joking, and he got defensive and said that’s the only thing he can think of other than my feeling for D. Wow! Really? Do you not remember that the kids and I had to move out last December because it was no longer safe to live with you?! Granted, I have always had the same feeling for D that I have now, but it wasn’t a current issue until well after I had moved out. And the huge fight about L being a jerk and having road rage only happened a month or two ago. We’ve been separated for almost a year, miserable for over four years, and this is all he sees as being the cause of the problems?

He keeps talking about how he can’t wait until we can afford to maintain separate households because he can’t handle being around us anymore. He keeps mumbling about how he can’t stand us just loud enough for us to hear… or think we hear him say it, and when we ask what he said, he explodes at us. He says we don’t listen, it’s none of our business, and that he doesn’t want to repeat it because he’s just being a jerk. But then, he says it again within a few minutes. He’s been screaming and rampaging again, and tells us every chance he gets how worthless we are. The house isn’t spotless? It’s because I’m incompetent. The kids don’t hear him? It’s not because he’s mumbling, it’s because they NEVER listen. Our just-turned-two-year-old son doesn’t understand what L is saying, it’s not because he’s a child and just starting to really grasp simple instructions, it’s because he’s too stupid to think.

You know what, L? You make it so easy to be done with you. I cannot wait to go our separate ways. I cannot stand being anywhere near you anymore, and I hate that you are so cruel to the kids that think the world of you. How can you do that to them?! You make me want to scream! I just wish you would shut the f**k up and stop verbally attacking us! Focus on your own problems and leave us to ours! You think we’re so worthless? At least we have tried to be good people!

Where’s That Manual?!

I must have misplaced it at some point…

How am I supposed to deal with the pain? I’m finding it harder and harder to choke back the tears. Loving you so impossibly, knowing your love for me, but not knowing if I’ll ever look into your eyes or feel your arms around me, it’s more than I can handle. I want to be working toward a life with you. I want to visit you and get to know you. I want to make plans for a future together. Everything is going to take so long anyway!

I want to have a life where I get to kiss you good night, and when I wake up in the morning, I fall in love with you all over again. I have gone over all the options life has laid out before me, and I know it’s you I want to be with. Yes, I’m scared, I have so much to lose, but when I think about life without ever taking the chance, I can’t see it ending up where I want it to take me.

Have we missed our chance? Suddenly, that question doesn’t make sense. We have a chance, we just have to decide to take it. Will we be faced with challenges? Of course! Is it worth the risk? For me, it is. What is it that’s got you so scared? We can’t figure it out if you don’t tell me.

When You Were Mine

I long to be yours… the more I get to know you the harder it is to be apart from you. When I asked you what your favorite memory of us was and you said when we were at the movies and I was yours, my heart melted. I’m starting to think that you can’t possibly be human. How can you be real? I want you to know, my heart has always been yours. I don’t take the words “I love you” lightly. It’s not something I say to many people. I reserve it for the people in my life that mean the most to me. While I may care deeply for people in general, that specific phrase is something I feel should have a lot of meaning. Those words seem so trivial in comparison to the depth of the feelings I have for you.

Thank you for sharing even the bit of your life you do with me. I look forward to our talks each afternoon. I hope one day to be able to greet you at the door when you get home from work and lay in your arms as you tell me about your day. I want to create a place you can really call home. Somewhere you can forget about all your worries and just know that you are loved and cherished. I know that no relationship is without its struggles, and I promise that I will always respect you and guard your heart in a disagreement. I want to do the things that will bring you pleasure. The small things that will remind you of your worth, your value, and of just how incredible you are.

I am yours. Will you be mine?

When Reality Hits?

Where will we be? I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’m basically tearing two families apart. I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard so suddenly. What am I doing? Why has this man never left my thoughts? How did he become so imprinted in my being that I just can’t let go?! The more we talk, the more I wonder if I would ever be enough for him. Can I really fulfill his needs? I don’t even know what those needs are. Am I just going to end up another annoyance in his life? He doesn’t seem to think he is capable of ever truly being happy, so what kind of role would I be playing in his life? And what kind of effect would that have on me? I’m the kind of person that loves to laugh, finds joy in the simplest of things, and even in the worst of times, I find things to be happy about. I am, however, really susceptible to depression. That’s one of the things that has made it so hard to be with L. He’s such a negative person, that after 10 years (almost 11, now) with him, I find his negative outlook on life encroaching upon my optimism. I find it hard to deal with daily aggravations that I never had a problem with before, but dealing with L has left me so drained of patience and left so many bad thoughts in my head that I just don’t have the strength to fight it anymore.

D never really struck me as a pessimist, he says he’s a realist, but where’s the line between the two? It seems both views leave you feeling as though you have no control of your own life. They both seem to expect that the worst is going to happen and there’s nothing you can do about it. I know that life can never go off without a hitch, but I do believe that it’s possible to make the best of even the worst situations.

I opened mt blinds today to let some light in, and instead it was gray and windy. It’s amazing, though, I get to sit here and watch this storm roll in, I have a perfect view, between the trees, of the silver lining in the clouds. It’s perfectly framed, just for me, and so perfectly resembles who I am. As the rain picks up, there’s a shower of leaves and pine needles. Yet, it’s always so easy for me to find the beauty and serenity in even the wildest of life’s storms.

I still feel 100% sure that D is who I want to be with. I just hope that he really wants to be with me, and that we can share a true happiness in life. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Brain Cyclone

I’ve been staring at a blank post form for a few days now. I have so much swirling around in my head that I don’t know how to put words to. The constant concentration it takes to focus outwardly instead of being swept up by the spiral of emotions is giving me a migraine. I can’t even remember the last time I slept longer than an hour at a time. I lie awake in bed not even realizing I am awake and that time is rushing on without me.

For almost 3 weeks, I couldn’t get ahold of D. At first, I was sad. Then I became worried. I worried that something had happened to him and there would be no way for me to know. And I worried I had run him off. It happens to me all the time, so it never actually surprises me when that happens. I suppose it’s all just part of being socially inept… I ended up having a dream about D. Just that we finally got to talk. For whatever reason, I found peace with that and was able to cope. Not just cope, but find contentment in my daily life. Don’t get me wrong, D is always on my mind, but I guess dreams were all I had of him for so long that it was enough to allow me to get by.

A few days after I had the dream, D answered his phone when I called him. It was amazing to hear his voice again. So, now, I’ve talked to him three nights in a row. We’ve talked more than ever before, really, and have talked a bit more in depth about us. The confusion that’s creating is really taking its toll on my emotions. The hope I feel when he says that he wants me to be there, and the despair that takes over when he talks about not knowing if he can handle me and my kids… not knowing if there’s anything to work toward leaves me feeling completely lost. I honestly don’t even know if I would ever be enough for him. I want to be able to lay it all out there and figure out what my next step is. I am working really hard at being patient, but it’s hard when I don’t even know what I’m waiting for.

My mind is racing for the finish line, but it can’t seem to get out of this loop. I think I need to be reset.

A Free Moment

I haven’t had one of those in forever! I have been overwhelmingly busy lately. The slew of custom orders finally died down, I finished my daughter’s Halloween costume, and I’ve been cleaning like crazy! However, there’s really no time to relax. Tomorrow is my son’s 2nd Birthday Party. Grandma is taking him to get his hair cut in the morning, so I won’t have time to bake the cake in the morning. I’ll have to do that tonight… as well as finish up the cleaning, running a couple more loads of laundry, and not falling asleep on the job! Sunday we have another birthday party to go to and it’s over an hour drive each way, so that day is mostly shot… I still need to finish up the last couple custom orders and I haven’t even started on my son’s Halloween costume, yet! Wednesday, we are going to Grandma’s to carve pumpkins, I think! Friday is the towns trick-or-treat night, and L informed me his work is having a costume contest on Friday, as well. He wants to go in costume. I asked him what he wanted to go as, and he said he didn’t know. So, I get to come up with an idea *and* make the costume from scratch in just a few days! I told him I would make him a “code monkey” costume. I’m going to make a tail and ears and wrap him in a long line of binary. I’m sure I could come up with something better, but not when I’m already spread so thin!

I haven’t been able to get a hold of D, either. It’s been weeks since we’ve talked. I’ve been worried about him, so I finally sent his dad a message. He said that he talked to D last weekend and that D is doing well. His phone is broken, again. I’ve been missing him like crazy, but I haven’t really had much time to get too down. I just hope he is doing alright and that I get to talk to him soon. I really don’t want to go another 7 years without him.

I usually enjoy being busy, but I like for there to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t seem to figure out when I might get a break. I have to get packages ready for the other people who want to sell my items, and I still haven’t made it in to one of the shops, once Halloween is over, there’s Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year… and then Valentines Day… maybe once those are over I’ll have a bit of time to breathe again! Heck, forget breathing, I just want to sleep!

So Far Away

I’ve been going pretty strong for a while now, despite not being able to talk to D. For some reason, tonight, I fell apart. I had trouble coping with my kids antics, I hardly got anything done all day, and I completely ignored my overwhelming list of products that need to be made. That list is what has been keeping me focused elsewhere, but tonight, the kids went to bed and I just sat and watched tv. It was like I couldn’t break the trance. I kept drifting off into thoughts of D. I finally decided I just needed to go to bed. I’m hoping that by getting these thoughts out of my head, I won’t be awake for the next 3 hours trying to force my brain to stop spinning.

The concept of being so close, yet so far, has never made this much sense to me. When I was pregnant, by the very end, it was agony. Those last few weeks, knowing it could be any time now, the fear of the unknown, the impatience of getting to see my baby… that’s how I feel now, except, when I was pregnant, I knew what was coming next. Well, I had some idea of what to expect, I had something to plan for. I don’t know what to plan for now. I don’t want to get my hopes up and plan to move away, but I don’t want to give up my hope, either.

I find myself wondering if certain things are signs from God, or if there really isn’t anything important at all about all the little things that happen in life. It seems like when my sales start picking up and I mentally set the money aside for a trip to Scotland, something comes up and every last penny has to be spent just to survive. Is it God’s way of telling me I’m screwing up my life? Is it God simply being faithful in the midst of my crisis of faith? Or is there nothing more to it than people like my products, I’m selling more, and I suck terribly at handling my finances? I know P and R would tell me it was a mixture of the first two. I don’t really care anymore, though. It’s probably the worst thing I can possibly admit to right now, but the only thing I find myself praying about anymore is that I can just have my chance with D. That my chance hasn’t come and gone. If that was the case, I honestly don’t know how I would ever let the love I have for him go. I haven’t been able to move on in the past 13 years, I haven’t truly been able to love anyone else, how could the rest of my life be any different?