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Too Much Time To Think

Why do I long so much to be loved? I have a husband who loves  me, why is that not enough? Why can’t I get through feeling as though it’s not the right love? Recently, I’ve had these dreams where I’m face to face with the love of my life, and just as we’re about to touch, mesh, become one and whole, he’s ripped away. In my dream, I’m crying, and when I wake up, I’m crying. It leaves me feeling so empty, so desperate for my love. The tears keep streaming down my face and I can’t catch my breath. My whole soul is just gone. Am I just perceiving a love so right that it just isn’t possible? Is a feeling of being complete unattainable?

Is it too late for the life I want right now?

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*Deep breath*

*SCREAM*

That is all.

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Happy Tofurky Day!

L had the day off. It was mandatory. He checked. We had our Tofurky dinner with the kids. L’s parents stopped by for about half an hour. L sat around playing WoW all day. He yelled at the kids, and was just a terror. What else is new, though, right? At one point, after several rude comments, I told L it felt as though he really enjoyed making me feel bad. He said he does. It’s pretty much constant now. I guess treating us well didn’t work for him, so he’s back to being mean. It makes sense when I think about it. It was easier to deal with his rages and outbursts and disrespect before because I had the right to ask him to stop. Now he does absolutely nothing all day except play on WoW, yell at the kids, complain about everything I do (or don’t do), and leave a huge mess around for me to clean up.

I don’t even know if I’m making sense. Last week, I was hit in the head by a heavy toy that my loving two-year-old son hurled at me while I was laying on the floor. It swelled up, bruised and gave me a headache. It’s been a week now and the pain is still there. I can’t turn or tilt my head to the left. I can’t sleep on my left side. When I do, I get a shock of pain and pressure through the left side of my head. I keep having these moments of fuzzy confusion accompanied by a headache. The first few days, that was mostly how I spent my whole days. Today, I have only had two. I’m sure they’re about gone. Hopefully the pain will subside soon, as well.

Anyhow, I hope everyone in the states had a happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful for my amazing kids, a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, and that someone out there truly loves me. I look forward to the day that I no longer feel as though I should apologize for being who I am. I can only imagine what it will be like to wake up in the morning to two happy children instead of screaming and shouting, to not have to immediately face the anger and rage and cynicism that I’m bombarded with every single day. I can’t wait to be strong enough to stand on my own and know that I’m better off.

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A Free Moment

I haven’t had one of those in forever! I have been overwhelmingly busy lately. The slew of custom orders finally died down, I finished my daughter’s Halloween costume, and I’ve been cleaning like crazy! However, there’s really no time to relax. Tomorrow is my son’s 2nd Birthday Party. Grandma is taking him to get his hair cut in the morning, so I won’t have time to bake the cake in the morning. I’ll have to do that tonight… as well as finish up the cleaning, running a couple more loads of laundry, and not falling asleep on the job! Sunday we have another birthday party to go to and it’s over an hour drive each way, so that day is mostly shot… I still need to finish up the last couple custom orders and I haven’t even started on my son’s Halloween costume, yet! Wednesday, we are going to Grandma’s to carve pumpkins, I think! Friday is the towns trick-or-treat night, and L informed me his work is having a costume contest on Friday, as well. He wants to go in costume. I asked him what he wanted to go as, and he said he didn’t know. So, I get to come up with an idea *and* make the costume from scratch in just a few days! I told him I would make him a “code monkey” costume. I’m going to make a tail and ears and wrap him in a long line of binary. I’m sure I could come up with something better, but not when I’m already spread so thin!

I haven’t been able to get a hold of D, either. It’s been weeks since we’ve talked. I’ve been worried about him, so I finally sent his dad a message. He said that he talked to D last weekend and that D is doing well. His phone is broken, again. I’ve been missing him like crazy, but I haven’t really had much time to get too down. I just hope he is doing alright and that I get to talk to him soon. I really don’t want to go another 7 years without him.

I usually enjoy being busy, but I like for there to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t seem to figure out when I might get a break. I have to get packages ready for the other people who want to sell my items, and I still haven’t made it in to one of the shops, once Halloween is over, there’s Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year… and then Valentines Day… maybe once those are over I’ll have a bit of time to breathe again! Heck, forget breathing, I just want to sleep!

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Where I’m At

The letter to L is the actual letter I sent to L… minus the names, of course. He has been raging for the past couple days, and today I told him I was done playing that game. He told me that I’m the only one playing games. He said that he’s done fighting for me, that he is sick and tired of hoping for us to work things out. The only reason I haven’t flat-out told him that we will never work things out is because of how angry he got when I told him I didn’t know if that would ever be a possibility. I didn’t want to lead him on, by any means, and I tried every way I could think of to express that to him without upsetting him. I just can’t handle his rages. I can’t handle him screaming at the kids.

Speaking of the kids. I think they are ready for this to be over now. L has been so horrible to them lately, they want nothing to do with him. Neither of them wanted to spend time with him when he came home from work early complaining of dizziness and fatigue. He said he needed to lay down, that he wasn’t sure if he would need to go to the emergency room because he may be dealing with a serious medical issue. He’s always complaining of chest pain and numbness in his left arm. He was diagnosed with extremely high cholesterol years ago, and he has high blood pressure, but he doesn’t do anything about it. So, yeah, there’s a real possibility that something is seriously wrong, but apparently it wasn’t too serious today. He laid down in my room for about 20 minutes, then he was back out with us playing games on his laptop while completely ignoring us. The kids refused to leave the safety of my lap. My daughter drew a picture earlier of lots of squares all colored in. She asked me to write the title of it down for her, so I asked her about it and what she wanted to call it. She pointed to 3 of the squares and named off herself, her brother and me, then asked me to title it “Different Family.” She’s 4, so that really says a lot about where things have gone.

Back to the letter… I e-mailed it to L so that he wouldn’t have the opportunity to interrupt me and so I wouldn’t have to try to keep track of all my thoughts. Plus, the only way he’s ever truly talked with me, is through instant message or e-mail. It used to really bother me, but as his anger increased, I started to prefer talking online. It was safe. Anyway, he read it. I asked if he had any response. He said he was trying to think and that he would e-mail me back. By that time, he was sitting in front of me. That was hours ago. We dropped off some product at a shop, ran a couple of errands, got dinner, tucked the kids in to bed, and I’ve been working all night while he’s been watching movies on his laptop with his headphones on. He’s now asleep at his laptop. He’s been exactly the same as he was before. Short with us, rude, impatient, and just blah. I really, really can’t wait for all this to be over. I’m so tired and so stressed. I have huge knots in my shoulders and back. I just don’t know how to continue tolerating his anger and rage and rudeness and GRRR! How do I put up with it without snapping? I just want out!!!

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L, I understand that I have hurt you. I know I can’t possibly understand the depth of your pain. I am sorry for that. I truly wish we had never come to this point. I don’t enjoy any of it. Your sadness breaks my heart. I wish I could do something to make it better, but I know I can’t. You have hurt me, also. You can’t know the depth of my pain. I know you don’t want to hear this, but it makes it even worse that you don’t hear me when I tell you this. You seem to want to be the only victim in this, but it just isn’t true. I don’t understand how you can make light of the part you have played in this. You don’t believe that you’ve been emotionally abusive. I’ve tried to explain it all before, and I will try one last time, just for my own peace of mind. I will put the categories which I feel we fall into in bold. I will be taking text from this site: http://www.thisisawar.com/AbuseEmotional.htm I will try my best to include examples whenever possible.

a definition of verbal abuse

You understand their feelings, but they never attempt to understand yours; * I have felt as though my feelings have gone unnoticed. You told me you didn’t see any of this coming, but I have been telling you for years that I am unhappy and didn’t know how much more I could take. P and R told you you were about to lose us. Your dad told you you were about to lose us. *

They dismiss your difficulties or issues as unimportant or an overreaction; *most recent case in point:

*L*: I see what I have done
I know that I have not been there. I know that I have been unloving and put other things in front of you
You are fucking leaving me for another man!!
So don’t act all high and fucking mighty here.
*me*: after years of emotional torment
*L*: Fuck that!
Fuck you
*me*: I’m not acting high and mighty, I know what I’m doing.
We have hurt each other. Neither of us has been hurt less.*

They do not listen to you; *You logged out before that last line above. You were done with the conversation, so there was no need to hear what I had to say. There have been numerous occasions when I have tried to talk to you about something that was weighing on my mind, and you have responded by telling me you couldn’t talk about it right then. But, there was never an ok time to talk about it. When I would ask you why we couldn’t discuss an issue, it was always because you didn’t want to get angry, or you were too pissed off.  When I do get the opportunity to tell you what I need to say, when you follow it up by saying “I understand” and nothing else, it doesn’t give me any sort of resolution. It doesn’t tell me that you truly understand, just that we won’t be talking about it. When you respond with “I know I’m an asshole” it tells me you didn’t hear anything I just said. I put a lot of thought into what I say so I don’t come across as just complaining and calling you a jerk. That also makes me feel guilty for expressing my thoughts and feelings.*

– They always put their needs before yours;

– They expect you to perform tasks that you find unpleasant or humiliating;

You “walk on eggshells” in an effort not to upset them; *The simple fact that I’m writing this letter because I have no other way to communicate my thoughts and feelings with you, is proof enough. You said you did not know if you would even read it. It has taken me over an hour already to get this far simply because I am trying to put my thoughts into words that will not set you off. I’m never sure how you will respond to anything I say or do. I am usually taken aback by your rage and anger, but there are times that you surprise me with your kindness and understanding. And the fact that both responses can come from the exact same scenario leaves me feeling anxious and confused most of the time. *

They ignore logic and prefer amateur theatrics in order to remain the centre of attention; *Yesterday will be my example. When you were waiting to turn and the person was legally walking in the cross walk and you started shouting at him and turning before he was out of the way, because you felt he was walking too slow, seemed very over the top to me. It wasn’t like he was taking one step forward and two steps back while flipping you off when you had the right of way. He was simply crossing the street at the appropriate time. In other instances, when I have called you on them, and asked if you wanted our kids to act like that, you have told me that you don’t want them to act like the other person. Who do you think they are going to emulate? The person they have some brief interaction with and will probably never remember, or their father who is always present and went from 0 to 60 in rage in seconds flat? Would the offense even stick in their mind if it wasn’t made into an issue? *

Instead manipulate you into feeling guilty for things that have nothing to do with you; *When you apologize, it is usually followed by “but I wouldn’t have _____ if you hadn’t _____.” When I hear that, I feel as though you are not only not accepting full responsibility for your actions, but you are placing the blame on others. I feel as though I am always needing to apologize for everything I say and do. I find myself apologizing for laughing or singing or trivial things that shouldn’t need any sort of apology. Then I feel ridiculous for apologizing. The whole time, I see a look of disgust on your face, and I have no clue what you expect from me. When one of the kids makes a mistake, you say things like “Why don’t you think?!” That tells them that they are stupid for making a mistake. That will make them feel guilty for not being perfect. *

They attempt to destroy any outside support you receive by belittling the people/ service/practice in an attempt to retain exclusive control over your emotions; *I know that you aren’t consciously trying to do this one. Looking back, though, I can’t remember any time you have had anything kind to say about the help that has been given to us. Pastors, counselors and friends. I’m at a point where I don’t even know if I can trust my own judgment when it comes to these people. I see things differently. When I try to tell you how I see these people, you don’t hear what I have to say, you just continue to disagree. *

They never take responsibility for hurting others; *I talked about this earlier. Even more in-depth, though, simply not seeing how you have hurt me. Not believing that you’ve been abusive. However you perceive your transgressions doesn’t really matter. It’s how the other person perceives them that matters. *

They blame everyone and everything else for any unfortunate events in their lives; *Most recently, I feel as though you are blaming the failing of our marriage on me. I am not trying to say I am not to blame, but I believe we are equally to blame. Before you blamed me, you blamed P and R for interfering. We asked for their help.*

They perceive themselves as martyrs or victims and constantly expect preferential treatment. *It seems as though you expect perfection from everyone around you, and then grace from everyone when you make a mistake. When you are rude to others in public or on the road, you always have a “good reason,” but they never have any reason other than they are idiots or jerks when they do things that piss you off. When I ask for help with things around the house or with the kids, you do those things begrudgingly. I always hear about how hard it was, how much of an inconvenience it was, or how horrible the kids were. How would you feel if I had the same attitude about everything I have to do? Time spent alone with the kids is always irritating and intolerable for you. I spend entire days alone with them. Why is it worse for you to have to spend a couple of hours alone with them than for anyone else to?*

Copyright 2006 Abuse List.

Just because you only punched a hole in the wall that one time, even though the wall was weak; just because you don’t intend to hurt the kids when you restrain them by their wrists or pick them up by one arm when you’re angry; just because you only held our daughter up against the door over your head and screamed at her that one time; and just because you were only trying to get our son to stop crying by covering his mouth with your hand once, doesn’t mean it isn’t abuse. I know it may be hard to see yourself the way we see you, but I’m sure it’s that way for anyone. The bottom line is you have scared us and hurt the kids. Not being aware of your own strength isn’t an excuse. Not meaning to hurt them doesn’t make it ok. Beating yourself up over what you have done without ever discussing it with me or anyone else, doesn’t resolve the issue. You need help.

When you are angry and you say things specifically to hurt us, that is abuse. When you won’t communicate with us, that is abuse. Blaming us for your actions and reactions, blaming us for your moods, that is abuse. Invalidating our feelings by telling us to just stop feeling a certain way or that we’re fine is abuse. Ignoring our kids, giving us the cold shoulder, being grumpy and distant without any attempt at telling us what’s wrong, acting like we should know what we have done to offend you, talking about our kids like they aren’t there, that is abuse. Always finding conflict and arguments with us and everyone around us is abuse. Making rude comments to people in public, knowing it is humiliating and scary, is abuse. Driving recklessly to scare me, is abuse. Claiming to never remember the abusive events, or downplaying their significance or severity, is abuse. When the kids call for you and you slam the door open and scream “WHAT?!” at them, and when they can’t answer because they are too terrified, you get angry that they didn’t need anything, that’s abuse. When you are nice and kind and then fly into a rage, that’s abuse. When you say things to our daughter like, “Ask a stupid question…” or use sarcasm to belittle and demean her, that’s abuse.

The following is from this page: http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#What%20is%20Emotional%20Abuse? I want you to see where I am getting my guidelines for what I see as abusive behavior. I will underline what I feel is the most pertinent information.

Types of Emotional Abuse

Abusive Expectations

  • The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
  • It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
  • But no matter how much you give, it’s never enough.
  • You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don’t fulfill all this person’s needs.

Aggressing

  • Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
  • Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised and “helping.” Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental “I know best” tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. This and other types of emotional abuse can lead to what is known as learned helplessness.

Constant Chaos

  • The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others.
  • The person may be “addicted to drama” since it creates excitement.

Denying

  • Denying a person’s emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating
  • The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, “I never said that,” “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” etc. You know differently.
  • The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
  • Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the “silent treatment.”
  • When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.
  • Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.
  • Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.

Dominating

  • Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it.
  • When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.

Emotional Blackmail

  • The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other “hot buttons” to get what they want.
  • This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the “cold shoulder,” or using other fear tactics to control you.

Invalidation

  • The abuser seeks to distort or undermine the recipient’s perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient tells the person they felt hurt by something the abuser did or said, the abuser might say “You are too sensitive. That shouldn’t hurt you.” Here is a much more complete description of invalidation

Minimizing

  • Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient’s emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re exaggerating,” or “You’re blowing this out of proportion” all suggest that the recipient’s emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted.
  • Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.

Unpredictable Responses

  • Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.
  • This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what’s expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood.
  • An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.

Verbal Assaults

  • Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening
  • Excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation.
  • Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.

 

I hope you can understand and accept your role in the breakdown of our marriage. We are both at fault. Neither of us is more at fault than the other. You said that you don’t think you could ever love me the way you once did. I don’t expect you to. I am not looking for love. I have been too afraid to tell you that because when you even started to think it was true, your anger was much closer to the surface and you were quicker to anger with the kids, your rages were more explosive and more frequent, and you refused to communicate with me at all. What I am looking for is a friendship based on forgiveness, understanding and mutual respect. If not for ourselves, then at least for our kids. You made it clear to me earlier that you blame me for our marriage ending. With this letter, I hope to at least defend my decision. I truly hope that we can now move forward with civility and focus on our children.

 

 

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There are so many things about my life that I’m just not happy with. I am not the person I want to be. Instead of focusing on all my short comings, it’s time to start doing something about them. I started this blog because I had no one to talk to about the feelings I’ve struggled with for so long. I know there will still be times that I have trouble coping with those feelings, but for the most part, I believe I have worked through the pain of them and am at a point where I can focus on some other things. I need to start shaping myself into the person I want to be so that I don’t get stuck in auto-pilot again. D needs his time to deal with his life, and while I wait for him to be ready to make a decision, I need to focus on who I want to be. I can’t work toward a future goal just yet, but I can work toward a future me.

The absolute first thing I need to deal with is my self-worth. I am an only child. My father was out of my life for almost all of it, really. So, growing up it was just myself and my mom. I love my mom dearly. She is my hero. That being said, she is a perfectionist. She is successful, intelligent, creative, talented, and all around wonderful. Growing up, I never saw her fail. She always talked about how well she did in school. She was a straight A student. I asked her once if she had ever failed a class. She told me that she never failed, but she did get a B once in PE because she just didn’t want to listen to the teacher one day. She was enjoying being outside on a beautiful day. That’s a lot to live up to. I was pretty much a straight D student. Not because I couldn’t do any better, but because I didn’t want to put everything I had into something and still not live up to my mom’s ideal. The school thing is only one example. I grew up thinking my mom was perfect. I realize she isn’t, and I am tired of trying to be the same, perfect person I saw my mom as. It’s not healthy for me, and it certainly isn’t the way I want my kids to see me. What am I going to do about it? I’ll start by really looking at my own faults and deciding which are things I can live with and which are things that I really need to work on. I will allow myself to fail and use my failures as teachable moments for my kids. I will not use perfection as my end goal.

I have always struggled with my weight. I am fat. I don’t like the way I look because of it, but I’ve never really cared too much. I don’t spend all my time obsessing over it. It is what it is. Instead of focusing on losing weight to look better, I am going to focus on my health. I’ve been vegetarian for almost 18 years. For me, it isn’t so much about what I eat, or even how much, it’s about getting exercise. My first attempt at “zombie proofing” my life, will be making sure to exercise everyday. I will find new ways to incorporate it into my life. When I start feeling like I’m going on auto-pilot again, I will take a break from my routines and focus on my physical health. I can’t do anything about the longing I feel for D right now, but I can do something good for myself to distract myself from the daydreams. It will be interesting to start here, tomorrow (because today is already over) and see where it goes from there. Just set this one goal for now, and see how it affects the other things I need to change. Once exercise is a usual part of my life, I’ll figure out what else I want to work on.

On a side note, I’m going to get a tattoo to celebrate my birthday. I found a really gorgeous silhouette of a tree with crows flying away from it. I am going to get it on my back between my shoulder blades with the crows up on my neck. It will be my second tattoo, and I can’t wait to get it done.

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